Struggling with Body Dysmorphia and an Eating Disorder

(Tw for some Ed behaviors) I am so sick of my ED and body dismorphia. I know that even a few months ago I’d be happy with the body I have now (I’ve been working out a lot for compensation) and I hate it currently. I just wanna be smaller. I wanna go to college and not eat and lose all this weight but my body won’t lose weight even tho I’m barely eating now. I wanna just go all in like I should’ve done when I was underweight but BMI says I’m boderline obese currently and I can’t fathom gaining more weight. I’m so sick of this but I feel like I have to be small again before I eat, but that’s gonna be so long. I’m so tired. And I want to think that gaining food freedom is worth weight gain but I honestly don’t think it will be. I’m so stuck and I can’t….I can’t.