How to turn shame into guilt?

@TaetaeRyn that’s so insightful and I can relate to some of what you said so much even tho it’s seems like my feels come out differently than yours. I’m so sorry you’re struggling and also think it provides an amazing healing opportunity to find your needs and actually have them be met by not having to work for them or act a certain way… much easier said than done and that’s the hard part. But in a way I’m excited for you and that journey. For me to be able to get to where I am now in relation to all of this, I had to focus on certain connections and let them build me up when I couldn’t. My best friend is similar in that he grew up thinking he was the problem and had to earn love in a certain way. When we both met we were both on the same page of ok if I take on the responsibility for others then I can fix it and make others happy by sacrificing myself. Sounds noble but we just ended up using eachother as a life line until we realized that I am responsible for me and that’s it and that my job to someone else is just to be there and walk with them thru all the struggle, not take it on as my own and then drowned and have to have someone come save me now. So what that looks like for us is that we see each other and know the worst parts and still love and accept and believe that despite all of that we can do hard things. If one of us is going thru a hard time we listen and if advice is asked for we give it and if need a pep talk we give it. If I can’t get a hold of him, I think about what he’s tell me. Now I’ve done that so much that I can do that for myself because that trust with someone else has been built and now I do actually believe I can do hard things because for a while he was my safety net and I could take risks safely and increase my own self trust and confidence. I used to teach martial arts and the biggest thing for kids and adults was creating a safe place to take risks and it be ok to fail. Once they gained that confidence, they would do so outside of martial arts. Most people don’t get that at home. I didn’t… when I “failed” I was the black sheep and shunned and left to deal with my issues alone until I acted how my family wanted me to. That still happens occasionally but it’s not as damaging because I know they work in some dysfunction. But it almost felt safer for that to be ok when I first started this and even now when I’m exhausted because I know how to play that game- I act a certain way and shut down my wants and needs and bam I get love. But it doesn’t fill me. And with them I do feel shame for wanting more and having wants and needs because it feels like I’m asking them to step out of their comfort zone and accommodate. But that’s literally how a healthy family or relationship works- give and take evens out and provides strength to put yourself to the side at times but then also be important and have others sacrifice for you when needed. But what I’ve learned is that in a healthy relationship the sacrifice is so different. You’re gaining, rather than depleting from it. I’m still back and forth on that part considering I have a really hard time asking for help so the balance is still off. I just read something this morning that really fits this, it’s not about doing it right, it’s about doing it together. I’m here if you want to process more. And so you know you know, you bringing this up has actually really helped me process through some things and feel more connected. You having wants and needs has helped me. So thank you for bringing this to the table and helping me realize that about my own wants and needs🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻