Realizing My Relationship Patterns Stem from Childhood Trauma

I just had a revelation about my behavior that I feel is important but not sure where to go from here. My first real, grown up relationship was with a guy too old for me and also very manipulative. I lost my virginity to him and in turn he gave me a lot of trust issues. I don't want to get in to details but I put up with a lot of things that no sane person would put up with in that relationship. After it was over I felt free and thought I learned to not put up with poor treatment anymore. Then I did it again, and this one was actually painful because it was three very important years of my life wasted on a manchild. Then I did it again, although credit where credit is due I cut that shit out after just a month, and not three years this time lol. I really wanted to stop this pattern of falling for absolute manchildren(at best) and emotionally abusive men (at worst) so after every relationship I would look for someone who was the opposite of my last boyfriend. For example, if bf #1 was a sensitive artsy guy, I would look for nerds, then I would look for sporty guys because surely in my mind I'd eventually find someone mature with integrity if I looked at a variety. That was so stupid of me because I should have asked myself why I ignored red flags. Hind sight is 2020. But I watched a video of a girl talking about her abusive ex and signs she now looks out for and I realized we are so similar. We even look and sound similar. It was disturbing. She was a pushover who tried weakly to push back at first but then gave up and let go of her boundaries to keep the peace. Just like me. So I thought where did I start doing this? I don't think people are born so self defeating. That would make survival difficult. And I can think of many instances in my childhood where I would just sit frozen in fear as my mother would yell at me, slap me, throw things at me and I would just wait for her to stop. At a certain point I would stop trying to talk to her to calm her down because talking made it worse no matter what I said and in what tone. It was easier to pretend I wasn't there and to endure her temper than to make the situation better in any way. For a long time I thought that's just was love is in Asian families, you act like violent animals to each other and then after a day or two the violent animal silently offers you food or suddenly acts fake nice to you. Instead of an apology, I always got inexplicable amounts of very obviously guilt driven kindness but rarely, if ever really, an actual resolution or apology. I learned to internalize that love meant being abused and then getting a fake nice gesture. I'll never ever be able to forgive my mother as she still gives me nightmares to this day, 4 years after I went no contact. If a student in my care was being treated the way I was treated I wouldn't be able to keep my cool, good thing I'm not going into teaching anymore lol. I also realized this because after my first real relationship experience, I started thinking about all the awful things my mother said and did to me and I started wondering why I was thinking about the abuse more frequently all of the sudden. I went to my father to ask for closure but he chose to defend her instead. He will go on moral tirades on social media on how spanking is bad for a child even though his wife did way, way, way worse things. I can't rely on such objectively evil people. Wow that was a lot. Tl, Dr: I realized that my pattern of getting into shitty relationships where I'm obviously not valued comes from being abused and devalued by my mother. What do I do from here?