mysticalViolet

275d

I can't stop feeling ashamed of my sex life and the fact I struggled with hypersexuality after my assualt. I try to ingnore it but for some reason it makes me feel gross and dirty like I have no respect for myself... hypersexuality has ruined my life. People don't respect me. People talk bad of me. I've lost relationships boyfriends etc. Idk I feel ashamed. I feel gross when talking to my boyfriend in a sexual context since he is less experienced than me. When someone brings up my body count its seen as appalling....I don't like being nude or being seen as a sexual being I hate sex scenes in media or talks about sex now. i hate it. is there a reason I am feeling this way. i feel so alone once again. i feel judged and disgusting. I feel like I want to start tearing my skin off. my boobs. my butt anything that could be seen as sexual to someone I want to get rid of. i hate it. my skin feels uncomfortable and foreign like I don't know where I am or who I am. I'm in a constant state of trying to get better and relapsing. its been 6 years and I feel like I'm no better than when I was 13. i completely utterly hate this and want it to all just go away. i don't want to be me. my past my issues. I'm not sure where I'm going with this but....i hate it. thank you for listening.

Generalized pain

Complex post traumatic stress disorder

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  • SunInAugust

    275d

    You are not alone. What your feeling is understandable and common after assault. You didn't do anything wrong, you aren't the one to blame. The shame you're feeling belongs to someone else - the person who hurt you should feel ashamed. Hypo and hypersexuality are both common responses to being assaulted. Wanting to rid your body of anything that could be oreceived as sexual is a normal responce. You haven't done anything wrong or shameful. You are not wrong or shameful. What someone did to you was. You did nothing wrong. Its not your fault. Its not your fault. Its not your fault.

  • mysticalViolet

    275d

    thank you I seriously needed to hear that right now its been such a struggle and healing is so much more painful then coping in the way I did. I know it is worth it though.

  • sarubun

    275d

    idk how helpful this is but I went through something similar for years following my first assault. My hypersexuality lead to even more sexual trauma for me over the years, and it was running my life for years and it felt like it was ruining my life for almost a decade. idk if it started this way or not, but it definitely became a form of self harm for me. I lost so many friends and partners and family members and kept finding myself in dangerous situations because it was familiar at that point, and I felt like all of my worth was tied to how much I could be sexualized. I feel like in a way, my hypersexuality was a way that i could more easily blame myself for the trauma I went through, and if I could put the blame on myself, then in a weird twisted way I felt more in control of a situation I very much had no control over. It's been a very rocky road in my recovery and it took a lot of therapy and mostly time and distance from the original source of my trauma to even recognize the hypersexuality as a trauma response and not an innate flaw in my character. It's still hard now at 25 to try and separate myself from my past, and the stigma against sex in general definitely made the whole experience way more isolating and a lot harder to recognize that it wasn't my fault or an indication that I'm a bad person. I know now that I am more than my sexual history or "sex appeal", even if my brain doesn't always let me feel like that's true, I know on some level that it is. I'm still working on creating a healthier for me relationship with my own sexuality, and it's been really hard as I have so many negative experiences tied with sex, and I still go through periods when those old feelings of shame and disgust towards anything about me that can be perceived as "sexual" come up, but I'm in a much better place than I was 10 years ago, and even in a better place with it than I was a year ago. It's been a very gradual process and there's been quite a bit of pain along the way with relapses and a lot of grief over lost friendships and relationships, but its been worth it. Sorry for the long reply, but I just want to reiterate that you aren't alone in this, despite how isolating it feels. Hypersexuality is a very common response to trauma, and I'm so sorry that you not only had to go through the initial trauma, but also all of the pain and stigma that was unfairly put on you for a very normal response to said trauma. There's nothing you could have done to deserve that, you are not to blame. I hope I'm not overstepping here, but I also wanted to say that I am proud of you, recognizing and healing from trauma like this is not an easy task at all, but you are healing, and even if it doesn't feel like it, you are making progress, and that's a huge success in my eyes

    • mysticalViolet

      275d

      this response legitimately made me tear up a bit and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for this response. It feels nice to know that I shouldn't be so hard on myself and that relapsing and getting better is not a liner thing and I willing eventually be better. I have made a lot of progress and am finally in a way healthier relationship with a guy that loves me very much but I'm also trying to better myself. Thank you for this it has helped me so much. You sound like an amazing person and I hope you have a wonderful day.

  • Tayo

    273d

    I also experienced hypersexuality after sexual abuse. It really helped me to hear from others that it’s a common response to trauma and that it was not at all my fault. I hope you can find the healing and community that you deserve 💚

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