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Setting Boundaries with My Transphobic Mother

Mr._Dank

420d

A while ago I made a post about how I blocked my mom due to her invalidating, demonizing, and discriminating me for being trans. My birthday passed this month. She sent me a card with a check. I didn’t cash it. It’s still on my dresser. I didn’t say anything to her either. One of my family members asked me why I never said anything to my mom about the card and check. I explained that I was setting boundaries and my family member got very upset with me. They told me that my mother is looking into counseling from her church to be able to use my chosen name. And they also told me that she might not do it now if I’m not going to talk to her. They called me selfish for what I’m doing. I feel like I’m being guilt tripped. I think it’s cool that my mom is actually considering counseling, but she barely talks to me nonetheless. I tried to explain to my family member that I do appreciate that she wants to do that, and how my plan was that if she decided to respect my existence, I would allow her back into my life. They still think it’s selfish and cruel. Telling me that my mother is super broken up that I didn’t reply to her birthday text or a thank you for the card and gift. They also were telling me that it’s so hard for my mom to accept me and that i don’t understand it, while I’m telling her that my mother doesn’t understand what pain I’ve been in for longer. I don’t want to jump to text my mom, because this all just feels weird and she could easily give up on it even if I talk to her again. I’m going to talk to my therapist about this tomorrow.. but just wanna see what anyone else’s advice on this would be.

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14

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Gender Dysphoria

Generalized pain

Depression

Social Anxiety

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Top reply
    • Pipsi

      420d

      On one hand (as a mother myself) I can understand the need to reach out to my kiddo on his (amab, 2y/o) birthday. However, it really comes across as your mom trying to weedle her way back into your life, and play the narrative "I'm trying so hard, and they still treat me soooo terrible 😭😭". The family member who approached you is a flying monkey, and if they can't hear your side of the story, they're not going to listen to anything you have to say. I'm sorry you're dealing with this 💕

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    • goronkiss

      419d

      I think you set healthy boundaries! That's very difficult but important to distance toxic behavior from family. DM if you want an elaboration on my own experience with being trans in a religious family and community.

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    • bloopdot

      419d

      I’ll keep it short. You’re absolutely in the right.

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    • Jai

      419d

      Self care isn't selfish. If you need to set boundaries to allow your self some space DO IT! Don't conform just because someone got upset. You're on this planet for yourself no one else.

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    • Finleaf

      419d

      Whatever your mother does or doesn't do to better herself, does not mean you owe her anything. She should go to counselling because she wants to be a better parent to her trans child, not just to win you over. It feels like the intentions of this family member are a bit weird...trust your gut. You have done nothing wrong and you get to choose how much of a role your mom has (or doesn't have) in your life

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    • MissFaren

      419d

      I can partially relate. I am not trans or anything like that but I have a lot of friends in the lgbtq community and I always show support, but this sounds like a similar issue with my mama. She abuses me mentally and emotionally, she constantly judges, criticizes me, tells me how all I do is wrong and so much more. I was just forced to move back home with my parents and I do not have a job and am trying to get disability so when I need money she will give it to me but it is like it comes with unwritten or said conditions. Like it gets thrown in my face. I’m so sorry your going through this. Bless yoh

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    • melabeille

      420d

      "...she might not do it now if I’m not going to talk to her" If your mother were truly genuine about seeking counseling to be able to have a healthier relationship with you, that (the if you're not going to talk to her part) wouldn't matter.

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    • ajar

      420d

      I'm proud of you for having the strength to set boundaries for yourself, continue to be strong and maintain those boundaries. At the end of the day your mother's actions are what got her into this situation, and it's going to take more than "see I'm trying" to fix it. My mom recently cheated on then divorced my dad, and my siblings all but cut her off after that. I wanted to, but you're right, it's really hard. Like you said, if she starts consistently putting in the work then you might be able to get to a place where you want her in your life again, but until then, keep doing what you need to do

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      • Mr._Dank

        420d

        @ajar thank you. I’m doing what I can to get through each day. And yeah, it really is why we are where we are now. I’m sorry that happened :/ It is so hard to say goodbye to someone you really love. But when the pain is too much, you gotta do what’s best for you.

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    • TayTayl

      420d

      It seems like your family member is trying to guilt-trip you when it was never your fault. Saying that she won’t accept your name or who you are if you don’t talk to her is being selfish. Also, saying that it’s hard for your mom to accept you and that you don’t understand how hard it is for her, is basically blaming you for being yourself. It seems like the family member is only caring or concerned about your mom and not with you. It seems like they’re saying “if you don’t talk to your mom she won’t make an effort to accept you” and that’s wrong. Nothing you did was wrong. Don’t just jump to text your mom. However, is what the family member’s saying actually true? Did your mom say all of what the family member said to you?

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      • Mr._Dank

        420d

        @TayTayl and told me to not speak about it to anyone. So that’s why I’m here cause it’s anonymous.

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      • Mr._Dank

        420d

        @TayTayl and I don’t know if it’s true. They told me “Nobody else knows about this so don’t tell anyone I told you this.”

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      • Mr._Dank

        420d

        @TayTayl Yeah.. it really felt like they were doing that. And you’re very right. We ended the fight quickly and didn’t escalate anymore than this. But it does feel like I am being blamed for being myself. It’s crazy cause they act like an ally, but sometimes these things feels like it’s a little different. I’m super shaken up over this right now cause, I feel like I’m being told how I should feel.. rather than being heard on how I actually feel. They tried to say I lived as “deadname” for so much longer than I have lived as my chosen name. Which is true. But it literally was a disguise to protect myself. Thank you for your message. I don’t know what I’m going to do honestly. My therapist agrees with me about setting boundaries.

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    • Pipsi

      420d

      On one hand (as a mother myself) I can understand the need to reach out to my kiddo on his (amab, 2y/o) birthday. However, it really comes across as your mom trying to weedle her way back into your life, and play the narrative "I'm trying so hard, and they still treat me soooo terrible 😭😭". The family member who approached you is a flying monkey, and if they can't hear your side of the story, they're not going to listen to anything you have to say. I'm sorry you're dealing with this 💕

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      • Mr._Dank

        420d

        @Pipsi thank you for the reply. I can see how my mom would be upset, of course. And it was so hard for me to even set these boundaries. I sat on the idea for about three years and I just decided after Christmas, because of her deadnaming me in front of people. That to me, told me that it wasn’t ever going to get better. But yeah, my family member is taking my mom’s side more for sure. And acts like she understands me better than I do.

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☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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It's important to prioritize your mental health and well-being by setting boundaries with your mom. It's good that she is considering counseling, but it's ultimately her responsibility to make the effort to understand and respect your identity. You have the right to decide when and if you want to let her back into your life based on her actions and progress. Discussing this situation with your therapist is a great idea to gain further insight and guidance.

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