Struggling with Mental Health and Social Isolation

Well it's official on the 27th I have my first intake appointment after 6 years. last time I saw a head doctor I was in NM now in AZ I thought I could continue self help but it seems my mental work crew had other ideas. I've don't really well not seeing a therapist but for whatever reason maybe living way too close to inlaws or my one inlaw has really taken a toll on my mental and yes I'm aware it looks like I'm placing the blame if yall only knew I know its not me. I'm really scared about letting my walls down and letting someone in I DONT WANT MEDS unless she can write me a script for my medical card just to have it but medical card or not doesn't help with feeling like I'm alone 24/7 I am the image of no friends. literally the only people who message me is my sons mom my husband and like two relatives I'm not sure I'm ready to get hurt again by anyone