Feeling unheard and frustrated while gaming with friends

Does anyone ever feel like they have to yell to be heard and still don't get heard? I'm having a breakdown. I need to talk. My friends and I play dnd but one of us couldn't make it so they wanted to game. Didn't really get a say. I ended up bawling my eyes out in the bathroom due to this. so first, they wanted to play Mario kart deluxe. Ok, you all have tons of hexperience with this game but I'll try. I got last like everytime. It doesn't entirely make it fun if I have no chance. Then they wanted to play super smash bros. They didn't tell me the name of the game, how to play or anything then I'm mad that I'm having trouble and hexplaining my frustrations because they gave me no info and I kept asking and had no idea what we were doing or playing. One of them said, "You're allowed to be frustrated but please don't take it out on us" well none of you literally told me anything about anything and you have all heard of or played this game before. Please don't take you're frustrations out on us?!?!?!?! YOU THREW ME INTO A GAME WITH THREE GREAT GAMERS AND ME, YOU DIDN'T TELL ME ANYTHING AND IDK HOW TO PLAY OR ANYTHING! My epilepsy makes motor controls like that and condonation hard. It makes it hard to play those kinds of games. They kept pressuring me sort of, I mean I hid my feelings but I felt pressured to play because when I don't? Soon everyone goes home after. I faked my feelings and eventually just stopped and went to the bathroom. I wasn't having fun playing and the game got so stroby that I have an aura that I'm about to smoke away hopefully. I went to the bathroom and started to cry. They don't get how hard doing normal things are for me. One of my friends is disabled sorta, I'm not sure entirely all their issues but I know autism and some bleeding thing were two of them but they act like if they act normal I should to. They make it so I feel miserable to make a mistake or misspeak and most of those around me don't really give me room to correct myself and jump in on the first thing I say. Some ask why I lie and I'm like because you don't let me tell the truth. Anytime I'm myself someone is hostile towards me. Anytime I misspeak, people come down on me. Anytime I mess up, people come down on me. Only one in our group lets me be me but he couldn't make it today, hence gaming. I feel like in every aspect of my life I'm in a constant trail of having to be someone else to get by. At my job, no matter how many times people are corrected, I'm seen as a girl. Not nonbinary. At my family I'm seen as a daughter, niece, granddaughter, a sister or screw up. My brother was in prison twice but yes. I'm the screw up. I'm the one who doesn't have their life together because I've been homeless a year ago. I'm the one that doesn't have my life together because everyone is forcing me to be someone else. When I try to be myself, my true self... bad things happen... I will literally talk over people just to be able to say anything. I feel like I'm constantly screaming to say anything. Everyone wants to be confrontational with me and IDK why. What did I ever do but try to help people? I try to pay it forward, I try to help those I can. I try to do what I can for others because I believe that when you are kind to others and do good things for them, it'll come back to you when you need it most. So far it has. I'm not dead yet. I really used to be a badass. I was the person that when I entered in public, people didn't mess with. I had gotten suspended in middle school for a fight. In highschool I punched someone three times my size and weight and one. In my defense he said girls couldn't do carpentry and basically deserved to be in the culinary class after I just came from carpentry. The middle school girl told me I told you so after I was rejected by a guy I liked and wouldn't leave me alone to process or grieve. With two of my bullies too. I only fight assholes. I've held a sword up to my abuser so he wouldn't lay a hand on someone. I'm a badass... but... I don't know where the full bad ass in me went... Sure if the adrenaline needs her I'll stand up but I was a feminist. I went to the gun control rally in DC. I've been in three lockdowns, sure we never had actual gun violence happen and it was precautionary since a neighboring school had a shooter but my point is, that yes, I'm not comparing that to those that actually have. I'm not trying to. However, in school, I was an activist of sorts. I've lost a tooth because I got punched when I told these guys to stop picking on a kid that I thought was getting bullied. I've dealt with many abusers, assaulters, ect. I've been rented out and more. I've been through a lot and she left with it. My bad girl left. Now I'm some seemingly animated, loud speaking, person who's happy all the time and kinda complains a lot. Maybe they'll see that I'm medically messed up too. But In reality? I'm a shy, soft spoken, meek pretender. I'm hiding behind a mask society has woven and I'm stuck playing the role I can't escape. When I try to be myself, I'm met with abuse and hateful intimidation. Not always by abusers of my past either, sometimes by just ignorant people. I just want to feel like myself instead of feeling like I'm watching someone else live my life, if that makes sense? And no that's not in like a multi personality way or anything. Not like a medical condition thing. I'm feeling the motions of my life without feeling like I'm living it. I'm so tired. I don't want to take my meds anymore. I don't want to do anything anymore. Hell, today I just want to not wake up... but I have to. I just got a dog. I have a mate, I love. If I'm being honest those are the only two reasons I care about. Still. Sleeping forever sounds better. I'm just so tired...