Struggling with My Disorder and Identity

I get angry and just see red. I shout and say things I regret. I even yelled at my baby when they were only 4 months old, one of my most regrettable mistakes and biggest embarrassments because, to me, that is abusive. I would never even spank my child, but yelling at a baby, how low can you get...... They didn't deserve that at all. We need strong support systems. My friends and family tell me I am a great mom who has made some mistakes but obviously loves my child very much, but I don't believe i am a good mom sometimes because my anger has gotten in the way in the past. I feel horrible after losing my temper. I attend weekly therapy and have made major improvements, but it can't erase what I've said or done in fits of rage. I can never erase the guild of yelling at my child when they were that young. All I can do is be better daily, and I've worked really hard on it. I know attending therapy and having a strong support group isn't easily available for many people, but you aren't alone, and I hope my reply makes you feel some solidarity. Sometimes, I don't feel like myself, and at times, all I see is a monster when I look in the mirror. 😥