Feeling Alone and Unalive: Struggling with Depression

My depression is bad. I’m not eating or sleeping. I havnt found a therapist in my area for months. Id give anything to take a drug that would knock me out right now. Not a second goes by that I’m not paranoid and tense. I don’t know what to do. I’m alone, and I know I’m sick, but I still feel like a burden. I fkn hate having to say “unalive”. But yeah. I’m just having those thoughts lingering in the background of my mind all night and day. I don’t even want to get better, I just want to be dust. But I’m supposed to want to be here I guess… so I am.