My Traumatic Childhood: A Story of Abuse and Neglect

I'm wondering who else can identify with my PTSD... I have complex PTSD due to the multifaceted and ongoing nature of the trauma. I was sexually abused by my father as an infant. He gave me chlamydia and landed me in the hospital due to the tearing, and my grandmother shot him dead when she caught him. Later my mother exposed me to sexual topics too early and in completely inappropriate ways before making me sleep with guys from 11 onward so I would give her grandchildren, all the while calling me a whore. I miscarried as a result of malnutrition every time I conceived, most traumatic was my first miscarriage-4 1/2 months pregnant with triplets and not even 12 yet. I had to beg, borrow and steal food just to survive and my mom fat-shamed me mercilessly even though I was malnourished. She was very physically and verbally abusive and also isolated me fiercely- I wasn't even allowed to see family most of the time outside of school. She married my step-dad when I was 5 and he was an abusive, cheating alcoholic. He died when I was 13 and mom died when I was 19. I was my mom's caregiver from the time I was 8 when she became disabled. I was also the primary breadwinner most of my growing up (long story). Mom went back and forth between extreme Pentecostal cult and Wiccan, so spirituality was confusing at best and usually didn't look kindly upon me. Mom herself was the result of incestuous rape of a teenager. We lived in filthy conditions, at one point even a condemned house. I was severely depressed and started praying for my own death by the time I was 5. Mom would scream at me about how wonderful my life was and how dare I. We were poor- most of the money went to substance abuse, which mom gave me beer for breakfast the first time when I was six, got me drunk at 15, and made me start taking ephedrine at 13, and steroids at 11 (which really messed up my hormones). Needless to say I didn't play much as a kid. I wouldn't tell on her to CPS because she had me convinced I'd never see my grandparents again, that it would kill THEM and that I would be raped daily, locked in a basement and starved even more brutally until I died if that happened... There are more details, but we can talk about it more if anyone relates at all.