Struggling with Seasonal Depression and Guilt

seasonal or as im calling it "christmas depression" has to be a thing, i was getting so good at ignoring my emotions until now, but it was mainly because of stress from ocd. but now that its almost a new year, i have to accept that ive wasted my teenage years, have no hobby or healthy coping mechanism,and im unable to stop procrastinating little things like watching a movie.im stuck in a loop and i feel so pathetic for not ending my pain yet, let alone not having a serious attempt. like itd be fine if i survive it, i at least need to have one. i feel stuck in every way. mentally, and with people. i just want to be alone so i cant hurt anyone, i have guilt attached to everything. but i also just wish i had a support system. i wish i could be anyone else. i wish i would die already.sorry for hoarding the tags