Squatsbrah

92d

I’m not sure where to start. Hopefully this isn’t considered off-topic. Basically, I was with my girlfriend 6 years, and she knew about my health issues and watched them progress as my life fell apart. She was always by my side. We did everything together and loved each other immensely and I will always love her. However, we recently had moved out from my abusive grandparents and in with her parents a good hour and a half away from my home city. I moved all my belongings there, never imagining we’d ever separate. But a few months in after moving, she cheated on me. We would argue or I’d have breakdowns and she’d go to her mom’s work, which was a bar, and cry. Some guy came in and took advantage of her while she was upset, and she ran off with him. I trusted her more than anyone I’d ever trusted, I never got jealous (I did in the beginning-paranoia from being cheated on in all my previous relationships) but that quickly dissipated. Anyway, I opened our shared laptop so I could add her on Facebook (I had just remade one to message her, but could not find her on my phone, and knowing she always had it open on the laptop, I figured I’d open it and add myself) and she had messages with some guy open, dating back maybe a month or two, speaking sexually, talking about romance, saying things like they couldn’t wait to see each other, and she had said “yeah, I just told him I was going to babysit some lady’s dogs for a few hours.” I had to find a ride back to the city, and found a ‘friend’ that was going to let me stay with him, but then didn’t reply when I got here. I brought only some clothes, necessities, and my dog and two cats. No more food stamps, as it was in her name, so I left the card. I was going to end up homeless, but luckily I found a spot in a friend’s garage and some other friends helped me financially. This took a lot of the pressure off, but my ex is completely ignoring me, and it’s making everything so much harder. The few things she told me, was that she had felt like my “caretaker” and was “pretending to love me while on autopilot.” This has all been burned into my mind. I have always been suicidal throughout my life, and I feel it very difficult to refrain from thinking or considering it as days pass by. I used to be a personal trainer, but the lockdowns ruined that. I found a job at the Taco Bell down the street until I can save enough for a cheap used car, and to get my training license back. My health issues make this job pretty difficult but I have no choice, and don’t know how to apply for assistance or if I qualify for anything. I have to pay rent and provide for my dog (my cats are with a friend until I’m back on my feet). I try to look at cars I want and write down my goals and reasons for doing this, like not sleeping with roaches, getting my belongings back, etc. but everything feels near pointless without her in my life, I feel empty and broken and defeated. She was such a help, as in just feeling she loved me, and we’d spend time together and I always had her, but she’d also help me make my appointments when I couldn’t, she’d help me talk on the phone, help me keep it all together. We had so many fun amazing times together, the memories really mess me up every day. How do I pull through this without her? How can I get over her after I spent the last 25% of my life with her and cherished every second? I have no family and the friends I have I don’t speak with or see that often. Everything material seems worthless if I can’t share it with her, I feel I’ve lost purpose, I feel I’ve lost support, it’s so difficult to keep moving, I just center my mind on my dog, or I try to. Maybe if she didn’t completely ignore me and we could talk or be friends it would help. After everything I’ve dealt with in life I feel I’ve hit rock bottom. She told me to go get help, but now won’t even speak to me. I’m worried if I try medication it will interfere with holding this job. I also don’t want to find a medication that works and then have my insurance run out and not be able to afford it. I resent myself for letting my health drive a wedge into my relationship, or maybe it was more about cheating and this was the easy way out for her. Does anyone have any tips or advice to push through this situation? Maybe somewhere I can make some friends? Or what I should try to apply for assistance-wise? And maybe reassurance on the medication aspect, as I feel I should at least try, considering a life without it has lead me here. But I’ve read a lot of horror stories about them, and I worry about it affecting my creativity, or making my suicidal thoughts/tendencies worse. Smoking weed always helped, but I can’t afford it anymore, so I had to quit about a year ago, this also made things worse. I feel so dead, I feel helpless and hopeless, everything I love is gone, and the only person I love and thought loved me hates me now and has easily forgotten everything and moved on. And it feels even worse when she says this is all because of my mental health, which she had always been there through it all and the times it was bad I told her to leave me, and she begged me to stay. Now I beg her just to speak to me, and she won’t even do that. This is so difficult. I’m trying to push through but I worry what my future holds, I worry I’ll never recover and that my health will always interfere with finding happiness or maintaining stability in life.

Depression

Bipolar 2 disorder

Chronic Pain

Anxiety (Including GAD)

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  • Jackstoneridge

    92d

    Well thats alot to deal with. Your health is what's most important. But your health issues doesn't excuse her cheating. She should have told you how she truly felt if she actually loved you. How you are feeling is ok. You just lost a big part of your life. When I went through my divorce I felt the same way. But with time and growth you will be ok. Take this as a chance to work on yourself and figure out things. If you need someone to talk to I'm here. Just shoot me a DM

  • Rustyman

    92d

    Man I now exactly wat your going through im living it rightnow sam exact thing word for word but we got to figure out how to let that go some people don't now what this is or how it makes us feel because the don't live it the live with us an they dot now how to help so they give up on us we will find someone who can except an understand who we are its only been a week that I had to leave the house sleeping on a cot at my dads ill talk an listen to you man we are not bad men

  • PhotonMike

    92d

    I agree with the previous comments, though I have less person experience than them. With regards to getting meds, I was able to mine through Cost Plus Drugs without insurance for less than I paid for them with insurance at a regular pharmacy. I did try several medications to find what worked for me, but it was definitely worth it. Wishing you the best!

  • Roland

    92d

    Was cheated on after six years as well. Makes you feel like shit, and the worst part is a part of me still misses her. However, I know that I'm better off without someone like that in my life and so are you. Someone that cared little enough about you to cheat isn't worth your time or energy. Just focus on you.

  • Kashew221

    92d

    I'm sorry I don't have much advice to offer, but I just want to say I wish you the absolute best. I know how it is to be held back by your health and how devastating it feels, but I've attempted to end it a few times and I'll never forgive myself for how I could have left the best friend I've ever had, my dog, all alone with my pain. Don't forget how much your pup loves you, you're family. If you need someone just to talk to, im happy to listen.

  • CaptainHolmes

    91d

    I think its worth it to try medication. I was scared too, but the first antidepressant helped for about 2 years, then they switched me to a new one and it helped even more. Good RX is a free discount program for meds. I would also apply for food stamps and medicaid. Ive been on both and it really reduced my stress just to know my basic needs would be met. Medicaid will pay for therapy, in person or over the phone, which could help you sort through the difficult feelings and intrusive thoughts. It helps just to have a sounding board. Best of luck!

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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