today was not a good day for my depression. it was actually temporarily mild because i've been constantly forced to socialize, and i had no space to myself to feel my emotions. but, i'm sick nowadays and have been stuck in a room the past week. the depression's hit full force again. today, i spent an hour just... sitting at my bed and staring out the window, not thinking about anything while the heavy greyness kept growing around me. i felt paralyzed and unable to do anything.i'm tempted to hurt myself but... i have no means to. my usual sharp edges are gone right now. i started thinking about suicide again. not that it's been a long time since my last ideations, but it's just all swarming in full force today.the sad bit is that i know this feeling, all of it. it's the same pitless, lonely dread i get often and now i get to feel it flowing in like a high tide at dusk all over again. it's all too familiar, and all so... painful.i wish i could ask an actual question, that maybe this post could be a practical call for help. but i have no such thing... i'm sorry. i just needed to tell someone that i'm hurting a lot.
Why not you find a cool show to watch to distract? I found when I had just my school peers ,they suggested a bunch of anime. I grew to love Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood and Ancient Megus Bride if you want two options to try. Instead of worrying about my symptoms that's some of what I watch.
sometimes i do watch things, whether it be a movie or a series or just random things on youtube, but it really fatigues my eyes and the moment whatever i'm watching ends, i snap immediately back into this emotional pit.
i do eventually want to watch FMAB though. never got around to that anime in particular.
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