Dealing with Childhood Sexual Abuse Memories

T/W Sexual Abuse For years putting after the actual assault had happened, I basically had to live with my abuser(s) for the entirety of my time so I literally just... forced myself to forget the abuse, since my childhood. Hell, the memories resurfaced when I was a teen and my mother instead had me talk to my abuser about it, in which he just told me he did what he did to me because he was sick. I had to forget after that too. when he was incarcerated, I remembered what he did to me a lot better. and when I left my mother, the same happened; I guess I was just a mistake for sure? she did say I was an accident (when I was like 19) And I was finally told that this amnesia was me trying to protect myself. because I couldn't run. I was sheltered, and shy and confused. But I still blame myself for not speaking up even when I know it's not my fault. I don't remember what the point of this post was, I think I just wanted it out 🤣