After impulsively changing myself and how I look over and over again it's hard to say who I really am when I look at myself in the mirror, every relationship and friendship I've been in I was a different person and at the end of the day when I finally have the peace and quiet of being at home it lingers constantly of not knowing who I really am and if me changing so much has impacted how others see me too, expecting I'm the same person they met from a few months or even a week ago. Recently I thought chopping off my hair, buzzing my sides and dressing more feminine would help me feel like a fresh coat of paint on top of me but it hurts seeing the peices of others that I still carry on and replaced with my own self image. After years of being sober I've had relapses of smoking again hoping to clear my mind of my own brain distorting my face and body yet it hasn't done anything, it became more of a plus than actually helping. sitting in front of my bathroom mirror typing this out I feel like I'm being watched by my own reflection as if I'm being judged for recognizing and "vocally" speaking about thiswith a recent break up after 1 and a half years, seeing the things my partner enjoyed about me physically and emotionally has taken its toll on me and how my mind sees me
Substance Use Disorder (SUD)
Body dysmorphic disorder
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