Struggling with Mental Health: Feeling Like a Burden

I thought I was doing a lot better. But it was one of those occasions you know where something really awesome happened and it lifted my spirits, made me feel good and valid for awhile; almost like not everything about me is something to despise. But damn yknow? Ive been crying so much. And i feel like a burden. Too much of a burden to reach out to the people that should care. My mom would just ask if I’ve been taking my meds and try to take my life by the reigns so I can do shit the way she did. My boyfriend would just give a pep talk about looking on the bright side and how i shouldn’t be so hard on myself. The thing is, I dont CARE about myself. I dont feel like i deserve the good shit i get, and when I get it? I just wonder what the matter of time is before I mess it up. Nothing is easy. At all. Theres something wrong with me and I want it shouted from the roof tops cause its only a matter of time before i snap. But no one would care. Not really yk. My mom would wanna drill me in everything she had to make herself do in order to achieve the disfunctional but survivable life she has now. And my boyfriend would take the other approach: wait things out and take it easy until the solution falls in your lap. Neither work. I got a psychiatrist that cant get me an appointment i need to get tested for adhd. Could be months until i get a POTENTIAL answer to why I’m so screwed in my head. I don’t got much money.. I’m trying to get some but, as I learned today, when you’re a server it doesn’t really matter what you do, sometimes you’re just gonna get paid next to nothing. Theres something off in my brain, disconnected, broken. And no matter how hard I try to convey that? No one seems to get it, or no one cares enough to try to. They some it up to depression or anxiety. But anxiety doesnt explain why I despise myself or cant do almost literally anything. I barely shower or take my meds even with how hard I try. Even when I feel desperate to take them. I just don’t know whats wrong with me, and I’m running out of patience. I’m gonna hurt myself or someone or something and everyone is gonna be so surprised when it happens but.. I’ve been saying it for months: theres something wrong.