anemone

279d

vent post

hate having c-ptsd. hate the ways it warps my mind. hate that i can't stop thinking and talking about it. hate that i still have a relationship with my family (and am afraid to do anything to sever it any more than i have, because i'm poor and disabled and jobless and they're rich) and that i can never, ever tell them how much being raised by them fucked me up. hate knowing that both of my parents are tragedies. hate feeling like i'm the sick combination of both of their tragedies to make a ~leveled up~ tragedy somehow. hate that mine specifically centers around asking for help when i need it so i just keep getting worse. hate how much it affects the people around me. hate that i'm -this- close to losing to it

Chronic Pain

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Generalized pain

Depression

Chronic Neurotic Disorders

Chronic Generalized pain

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  • becbecmuffin

    279d

    Sending hugs. Having c-ptsd is so hard, especially when your abusers are still in the picture. I still talk to my parents too. I've had to stop visiting them because it was too triggering.

    • anemone

      279d

      i don't even really consider them "my abusers" - for me personally, because it was mainly emotional and with my exact circumstances, they're still just my parents even if they fucked up the parenting pretty bad. even as bad parents, that's still who they are to me. i feel this way because i've reviewed it in my thoughts so many times. my mom also has childhood trauma and i see some of the mood disorder aspects of bpd, at least, in her. my dad is a chronic illness/pain sufferer who's become as bitter and jaded as he is, and was as uncaring as he was, mainly because of that pain. i understand now firsthand how much chronic pain can fuck a person up - i'm a real piece of work myself when i'm being weighed down by fatigue and pain. so it's hard for me to blame them or fully reject them, because i know that the things that happened to me were results of their own suffering and misunderstanding. they really did want the best for me, just went about it in all the wrong ways. and yeah it's left me with wounds that will never fully heal, only get easier to bear, and i would never willingly live with them again (would rather be homeless again!)... but it's also made me realise how hard it is to be a parent when you're busy being a person, especially a person who had their own shitty upbringing and their own struggles and stresses. obviously this is just about my own situation - i can't know anyone else's just like they can't know mine - but it is my belief about what ive experienced

      • becbecmuffin

        278d

        i feel the same way about my parents. They both were parented poorly and have mental health issues. But they also abused me. It took a lot of time and effort but I managed to be able to understand why they are the way they are without letting that be an excuse. I still love them. They're still my parents. But I, personally, didn't start getting better until I accepted that what they did was abuse. Even just the neglect or verbal or emotional abuse.

  • TheBigSpook

    279d

    Sending you love and validation ♥️ c-ptsd is hard, especially when your trauma is around your parents, who will almost always be in your life, even for able bodied folx. I feel for you and I hope you can find some relief from your pain, even if it’s temporary ♥️

  • Aum

    279d

    I don’t know what to do

  • anemone

    279d

    ended up writing a song about it ::v thats one way to channel the energy. i'd been wanting to practice creative writing in my second language anyway, so it was nice that i managed to write a full song's worth of lyrics even though a native speaker would find them pretty lame

    • anemone

      279d

      also, thanks for the support yall, every time i try to mark helpful the app crashes but i appreciate it

  • SkylerRose

    279d

    I'm having a moment exactly like this 🫤

  • ZappyRacc

    279d

    It was a weird and uncomfortable moment of radical acceptance for me when I realized my parents are gonna have a different truth than mine, probably forever. Ain't a damn thing I can do to change that. My dad is a bit more reasonable (or at least less loud) than my mom, but in '20/'21 I actually tried to confront them about their hand in my suffering, tried to ask for more information about my fucked up childhood, and.. it led nowhere especially pleasant. They wanted so badly for their family to look perfect from the outside. My mother forced me through 13 years of Scouts, 12 of which she was the leader. Everybody else in the troop thought my mom was a little irritable, but generally really cool. She would only yell at me, or slap me with the back of her hand (she called it the "dead-hand" and swore it wasn't abuse because it wasn't a closed fist.) She probably did the same to my brother. Hell, she once admitted she decked him. They disguised his crime of, uh, unsavory "play" with his younger sibling when they were 13 and 2, respectively. I got the truth from them one night when they were drunk. They've since taken back those comments. My attempt to just get more closure with them led to me nearly washing my hands of the entire family, and vice versa. My brother and I haven't spoken in 2 years, and my nephews might never get to know their uncle. I guess it's one of those "be careful what you wish for" things.

    • Braykah

      279d

      😥I understand

    • anemone

      279d

      yeah, in my case i started to show signs of c-ptsd in my teen years. when i would be so terrified of them that i'd behave erratically, or when i'd flinch at raised hands or unexpected touch, they'd belittle me or scold me for "acting like they abused me" ::v and on other occasions, i asked my mom if she knew of any sort of traumatic event in my childhood ("why am i like this? why don't i remember the time before i was 10? what happened to me?" etc) she would always say "i wonder that myself as well"... ironic? ::p so i know very well that trying to actually breach the topic with her, much less my dad who "never loses arguments" and has never actually apologised to me for anything he's ever done, even when he very clearly knows he's in the wrong, now that i've got a handful of childhood trauma/emotional abuse related diagnoses... would not end well for our relationship, at the least, and i doubt either of them would accept that truth besides. even if they did, i'm scared of it destroying them with the guilt - even if they should feel guilt, i don't want to sit with it that i ruined their lives by expressing that to them. i don't think either would handle it well if they believed me. so i'll probably just keep having a distant relationship with them, at least until my dad passes. maybe after that my mom will go to therapy and be able to do some healing - if she can accept and love her abusive father by setting firm boundaries then maybe she can accept herself too? sorry that this became such a ramble. tl;dr, i think that it's really hard to accept that you fucked up your kids with your actions and it's much easier to divert the blame, deny the truth, and pretend it never happened. people repress stuff like that all the time. so i can't imagine confronting abusive parents would go well for almost anyone, really

  • IllMermaid

    279d

    Prayers!

  • Moonkat

    279d

    I know how you feel. My father and stepmother abused me and my brother for 10 years. Because of them I got PTSD at age 5. Also at age 16; I developed bipolar, depression and anxiety. The only thing I can suggest is going to church and finding your God. I'm a Christian and I have been saved for almost 17 years. I don't have anger anymore or hatred; just depression.

    • anemone

      279d

      i actually already have my own non-christian religious beliefs, and the thing that started the souring of my relationship with my parents - and in fact, the moment that my dad disconnected from our relationship entirely - was when i confessed to them that i did not believe in christianity. that was the moment that my dad started outright treating me like i had failed him, mocked me all the time, did passive-aggressive things all the time... of course, our relationship got worse from there for other reasons, but that was the turning point. with that in mind, you may want to be careful suggesting this to people as many, many people have religious trauma. along with that, many people are already practicing other religions, some that have a history of discrimination by christian groups, and would probably not take kindly to being told to "go to church". since religion and spirituality can also be such a healing thing, maybe asking if they have any religious or spiritual beliefs that could help them through their pain would be a better option? it leaves the question open to all sorts of beliefs and doesn't tell them that religion is their only answer.

  • LOVEMYDOGROXY

    278d

    ❤️

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