i am ok. sometimes it feels that way because it's all I know. people I say that to tell me it's a good thing. maybe. Because it's not their experience. I don't know how to stop and I feel it's out of fear, and I can't sit still very often because I feel useless. worthless. like I need to be doing something to better myself or others. and if i take time for myself... that's selfish.

it doesn't happen all the time. but I'm feeling self hate today

I was a yoga instructor

I want to be, but covid killed my studio. and I've had a hard time finding work in that field since.

last night my bf told me his friend was finally convinced to do yoga and they'd be sending me places that hurt so I could send them postures.

for whatever reason, it upset me. of course I'll help, but I told him to ask me next time.

I told him I haven't taught in years, and truthfully do not feel comfortable coming up with a routine for someone because of that.

maybe it's my lack of confidence, which is silly because I do yoga multiple times a day 7 days a week, but I don't feel ready to just give out advice. and I think I'm also hurt that again, he didn't ask. just kind of assumed I'd be fine and now it's something I'm going to have to research and with my perfectionist personality, will obsess over.

he doesn't mean anything. and part of the reason I feel so awful is maybe I should just be ok to do it. but idk.

I feel like shit lol I feel selfish. I feel stupid. I feel unworthy of complaining and feel that I need to be stoic and give in to make everyone else happy.

I have a therapy appointment in under an hour. I want to cancel. I won't. but I've been thinking about it since I woke up this morning three hours ago.

I'm just sad. I don't know who I am. I feel like I'll never measure up to the person that people think I am. i feel like crying is not something I'm allowed. that feeling things only gets in the way.

thanks guys. <3

Oppositional defiant disorder


Anxiety (Including GAD)

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