Struggling with Self-Identity and Loneliness

This is going to be a brutally honest description of myself, be warned. I am going to be very honest. I wouldn’t say I struggle with making friends and being with people. I haven’t in a while. To be honest, everyone I meet likes me. Adults think I’m pleasant and respectful, younger girls in school look up to me, girls and boys my age think I’m funny and get along well with them. I know I’m pretty too. It’s part of why I seem so kind and pleasant to everyone. Everyone asks me where I get my clothes and my bags and how I do my makeup, younger girls ask me for boy advice, all that stuff. I know I’m well liked. Everyone at work likes me too. My boss has fired people who have done better work than me because she likes my kindness and attitude. I started as the youngest of all my coworkers and had no reason to be kept on the staff. I’ve seen with my very eyes how my kindness and aura affects people. I’m the one everyone looks up at when I enter the room. I’m the mediator everyone depends on. I’m the giver who showers everyone I see in my love. Everyone loves me. That’s only what they see of me though. I’m sure if anyone I knew in real life saw this, they’d never in a million years guess who I am. The person they know me as and the person I truly am inside is a dichotomy. I am not who I seem to be at all. I love that they know me as an important person. But sometimes…it makes me feel lonely knowing no one will ever know who I really am. Fucked up slitting my wrists and downing pills in my room, angry tears fighting with my parents, fighting with myself. Constant visits to the doctors, only for them to deny what I’m feeling. They will never know. They think I’m perfect. They want to be me. But they don’t know. And that’s okay. I’ll take a lifetime of pain for my admirers happiness. Well, it’s not like I have a choice. Depression runs in my blood. I carry the weight of all this pain and smile for them. I know everyone loves me and I can’t let them down, can I? I tell them when I need time for myself, and say I need to be alone. But I tell them I’m just a little tired and sad. I just have a headache. When it’s a full blown episode with pills down my throat and my mom banging on my door threatening to dial emergency services and send me away. I go days and days without going to school. Days and days without showering. Without taking care of myself. Without eating, or sometimes over eating. And I show up one day again. I show up put together, as if I’d never been depressed a day in my life. As if I’d not been struggling to get myself to shower for 3 weeks. I put on my pretty outfits and my elegant makeup. I style my hair and get a cute bag. I take my pills and I go out and when everyone asks where I’ve been for the last three weeks…. “Oh just some silly family stuff!” “I was skipping, I’m tired of school!” “Just my migraines acting up” This is my life. And I’m used to it. It’s OKAY. I’ve come to terms with it, that these are two sides of the same coin respectfully. But even so, it’s ironic isn’t it? I am the healer who knows all cures The cure to heal others, but never herself

I feel like things are never going to get better for me. no matter what I accomplish it's never enough. I don't even want to leave the house anymore. I enjoy staying away from everyone and everything because I feel useless and not needed. I see people being happy and having friends and just wishing it could be me. I've always had a need to be liked by everyone and I just always wanted to have friends. But moving around my whole childhood made it very hard to make and keep friends. so now that I'm in the stage of life where I should be hanging out with friends and having the best years of my life I find myself depressed angry and lonely useless and worthless. i have abandonment issues that I think came from my parents divorce. and when I do get to talk to someone I get attached to fast. all I want is some friends. I don't want to feel like I'm annoying you when I try to text . at the end of the day I don't want much I just want to be cared about. thank you for reading if you read this far.

I feel like I have absolutely no good qualities. all my friends have something special abt them and I'm just there. I don't have a good style. I'm not talented. I bareley talk. I just feel like I'm in the background all the time. also dosent help that nobody talks to me either to be friends or romantically and idk I just feel so dumb