Struggling with Medication Dependence

Let me tell you - I struggled with this for so dang long. I thought I wasn't a good enough person if I had to rely on medication. I absolutely refused to ask my doctor about anxiety meds because I thought "I shouldn't have to." "I shouldn't have to take pills to regulate myself. I shouldn't have to chemically balance my brain chemistry. I shouldn't have to because other people don't, and so I needing medication must mean I'm broken and unworthy." It didn't help that my life's experience with trying medications for my Tourette Syndrome ALWAYS resulted in horrible side effects and no help for my existing condition. Not only did I think medication meant I wasn't good enough, I thought that each medication I took was going to make me worse and worse as it seemed to be. I have been on Sertraline (hey, twinsies) since late September and it's the best thing I ever made happen. The things that changed my perspective were identifying what part of my OCD caused my refusal to take medication and a vulnerable yet heartfelt discussion with my boyfriend's mom. She encouraged me to just try the medication, that if I thought something was wrong with my body then I had every right to try fixing it. It was the most understood and seen I had ever felt by a non-therapist and non-crush. I finally came to terms with the fact that me needing medication was not a personal failure. Instead, recognizing I need it and putting myself out there once again to take care of myself was incredibly brave. It also really helped knowing my dad takes Sertraline, so I was able to try the same thing first. Try to analyze the effects of your medication without thinking in circles (I believe in you). Does it truly help you? Do you feel more capable of doing things? Are you better able to manage your symptoms now compared to before? If yes, keep taking it. If no, try another medication or therapy. Actually, try therapy either way if it's possible for you. Therapy is great. I didn't know I had OCD until going to therapy. The point is, your OCD will make up any excuse to make you stop doing the things you love and know are good for you. I once considered skipping a social event for fear of people hating my socks. My OCD said they would hate me forever and I'd be lonely and sad. You don't need to make the OCD thoughts go away. You can live with them peacefully (it takes practice). But you also don't have to do what they say. (That's also why I recommend therapy - particularly with an OCD specialist. They can help you with that stuff). If you do decide the medication really isn't helping, don't stop abruptly! You need to be weaned off. Get instructions from your doctor for that process.