Alim

316d

(Possible Trigger warning, pedophilia and sexual health stuff)

I watched an episode of Black Mirror back in December, about a pedophile that isnt revealed to be one until the very end (Shut Up and Dance), and ever since I've been feeling like I've been going crazy ever since on some level.
I've always had some degree of shame about my sexuality (I'm bisexual), and I'm still not out, and I still feel uncomfortable with it. My ex GF got in a huge argument over my porn/sexual habits and fantasies (people I used to know, old crushes before we dated, not defending it) and it lead me to have a introspection on who I am as a sexual person. I lied a lot about it, and I felt like a real POS. Yet, at least with just run of the mill porn (no OnlyFans, personal fantasies) I still felt compelled to do that anyways.

Cut to December, I watch the episode, and even before that horrifying reveal at the end, I really relate to this character. THEN the reveal hits, and I'm left questioning things about who I am. Pedophilia was never something I even thought about, even the concept of people doing that. But after that episode, I've been constantly afraid of deep-down being or becoming a pedophile. It's the ultimate isolation in my eyes, no one to relate to, no one to love you. Abandoned and hated by society- and that's not even factoring in the horrors of being attracted to CHILDREN, that can't consent, and are (or should be) innocent to the world and concerns of adults.

In the weeks after, whenever I saw a kid, I thought of the episode, and the creepo main character in that. STRESSED me out, and then I started just making the immediate, horrifying association to pedophilia. And then I became hyper-aware of being aroused or of any sort of blood-flow to my penis, around children, hearing about children, or listening to something about pedophiles. That still happens, and it makes me really upset, and I hate it. I know I'm not a pedophile.

Whenever that thought comes up if I'm actually aroused, disgust is the first reaction and it just ruins the mood. My anxiety has gotten to the point though, where I second guess this obvious thing, and I'm just so sick of it. I can't talk to anyone except my therapist about it (I feel like she hates me now lol), and I feel like it has to do with my shame around sexuality before this, but I don't know how exactly.

Having trouble sleeping lately after bringing it up with my therapist again, and talking about not only pedophilia, but human trafficking. How I have a degree of empathy for pedophiles and why that bothers me. Had a dream I googled "pedophile porn" and found no results, relieved and thankful that the world doesn't have that. In hindsight it's nightmarish that this persistent anxiety has crossed over into my sleep.

Just want to know how to move the fuck on. I don't know what to do. Being with family/friends helps, but I'm fairly isolated in life at the moment, just living with my dad (my mom passed away a year ago, that may be a factor). This whole thing makes me anxious and sad, and it's now affecting my sleep. Please, just want an honest opinion on all this.

TLDR: I think I have a pedophile-related OCD and it's made life difficult to live through. Constantly afraid of finding kids attractive, constantly anxious about the prospect. I think it has to do with other shames around sexuality (bisexuality, fantasies) being met with the worst thing a person could have, sexually.

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD)

Anxiety (Including GAD)

View all
  • moonman

    316d

    Its a mentle illnis how ever being bisexual is not .they are different . One is mentle illnis and nothing can help. The other is a sexul idenity . Im pan and polly . And sense its ben proven that you can not help if it is rated a mentle illnis.so haveing empathy for some one who has a sicknis in thier brain is okay . Tho agin being bi dont make you a pedos

  • ChillaxinEskimo

    316d

    It's good you're mentally aware of the issue and not giving in to urges so easily. If possible, try to limit your porn consumption. That will allow your brain to occupy itself with something more productive. If you want, I have a PDF saved on my phone from a book my therapist gave me that could help you, I can email it

  • benjamin0000

    316d

    that must be really tough. first of all, you mentioned having checked if you feel arousal in your genitals and i'll offer some hopefully helpful advice there, don't freak out if you actually feel stuff down there while you're checking. i would have to look it up again to exactly remember how this works but blood flows down there during anxiety and while you're hyper checking. as for other things, maybe try resisting compulsions related to it. you can just start with the easy stuff until you're comfortable enough resisting a good majority of your compulsions. i cant guarantee what it will do for you, but it'll likely give you more control over your OCD as well as decrease any fear or paranoia. about the bisexual shame, i know it's hard but i'm bisexual too and there's absolutely nothing to be ashamed of there. maybe try surrounding yourself with more lgbtq friends or support groups.

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