sarubun

213d

vent post, please no advice or toxic optimism, I know it's temporary and things will get better eventually but I need to accept and acknowledge the fact that they really do suck right now.

I started a new job recently and I knew it would only be a matter of time before I ended up getting fired or quitting because my conditions make it too hard to work the only type of job I'm qualified for, and two weeks later I'm forced to resign over the fact that they refused to give employees time off or implement any safety measures after a shooting happened at the facility. I got docked attendance points for refusing to come in on my day off when the shooting occured and I was supposed to work both yesterday and today but didn't show up to either because I haven't been able to even leave my room without having either a panic attack or flashback. I've had to taper myself off my meds because even with my parents insurance and secondary insurance from my (now former) job, I'm not able to afford the ridiculous copays for both the meds themselves and the useless psych appointments where my doc just talks over me for 15 minutes and then sends the wrong dosage to the wrong pharmacy. I haven't been sleeping more than about 3 hours a night for weeks now because the job completely fucked any sense of a schedule that I had and now being off my meds I'm too anxious to be able to relax enough to sleep. when I told my best friend/ roommate at 5am when they woke up that I still hadn't slept, they agreed to try and be quiet so I could hopefully get some sleep and then right as I was starting to drift off they knocked on my door and woke me up so they could show me a tiktok and then get upset with me for not finding it funny. I reminded them that I'm trying to sleep and really not having a good time (I've had to remind them of this and similar things all week, all pertaining to me having a shit time) and they responded "oh right I forgot". it's really hard not to be upset when they seem to forget literally every time I tell them I'm struggling in general (this isn't always the case but has been multiple times historically, including when they were taking care of me post op a few years ago, and asked if I wanted to do something I physically could not given the fact I had just had a major surgery done, and they responded "oh yeah I forgot" when I was still in the post op vest and had drains coming out of my sides??) and every time I've tried to bring up that it hurts my feelings when they do that, they seem to also "forget" that. my support system in general just feels non-existent currently and I feel so isolated. my partners mom has stage 4 liver cancer and so he's taking care of her pretty much full time and so when we've been able to see each other lately it's been for very short and sporadic amounts of time, and I'm usually the one doing the comforting (which is fair given the circumstances, just really sucks that those are the circumstances). I'm just so fucking tired of everything and in general. I need to sleep but that seems like a fool's errand at this point, as every time I'm asleep for for more than 20 minutes I start having nightmares again. idk what I'm going to do for income and that's definitely adding to the stress, I'm pretty sure I'm getting another peptic ulcer at this point, or at least reactivating my existing one because my stomach pain has been unbearable the past few days, but there's nothing I can do about it because I'm broke and too traumatized from previous experiences to go to the ER for my symptoms. Idk how I'm ever going to find or hold down a job that doesn't break me like this last one. I'm just very not ok and wish I was more ok with not being ok, or at least had someone I felt like I could lean on through all of this. especially this week, as I'm also currently having a very heavy and painful period, which as if that's not enough on its own, but it extra sucks as a trans man with severe pmdd and a very specific trauma regarding heavy bleeding from that area so I'm just really feeling like everything decided to gang up on me all at once. I guess when it rains, it pours, and I'm stuck on my own just trying not to drown

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

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  • hails711

    213d

    I just want to say, I relate to the server sleeping issues and the inability to hold down a job due to PTSD. You're not alone and if you ever want to chat, you're welcome to message me

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