Crystal_Rose

182d

Am I the asshole? I wanted desperately to get out of the house and go outside in a more nature way, instead of going to the mall, but I wanted my boyfriend to come. He told me he didn't want to go. Which would normally be fine with me but he ALWAYS says no. He'd always say its just not what he likes to do and would rather sit at home and play his games. The only times he will go out is if we go out shopping, go to a movie, or go out to eat. I wanna walk in a park, go swimming (he'll do a couple times a summer), or just take in some lettuce and chill out in the woods. But he said I was making a whole argument saying I was forcing it on him. Fine, I get it, he doesn't want to go. But we have other friends (who are guys that have hung out with us before, one if which we lived with fir awhile) and im going with them, but now he's all suspicious that im sleeping with them. I just want to go out in a natural and have fun and chill? Am I really being the bad guy by thinking he's being to selfish for not being willing to ever say yes to me wanting to do this with him? Am I really forcing it on him?

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

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  • Starry_leek

    182d

    If he always says no to little things like this then you're not at fault, it would be understandable if occasionally he just didn't feel like it but the fact is he is being selfish by refusing to just put aside his own needs to make you happy, you're not even asking for much you just want to spend time doing something you want to do for once, I feel like it might be good to address this with someone present who can play middle man to avoid making it an argument, you should tell him that you feel like you don't get to do something you like doing and you always do stuff that he wants and you would just appreciate if he just was more willing to spend time with you even if you guys aren't doing anything all that exciting because you don't want to be stuck in a routine where you feel unfulfilled, relationships are all about communication and compromise, and sometimes you just have to do things you don't want because you want to make the other person happy and that should be rewarding enough

    • Crystal_Rose

      182d

      He says that im being selfish because I'm not willing to meet in the middle for him. He says he is down to spend time with me, he'll play video games with me, he'll watch supernatural with me, he'll go shopping, the movies, out to eat. But he doesn't want to go out in the nature aspect. The destination is the only fun part. But i get its one thing, but thats the one thing I wanna do right now. And going off in the woods alone for a hike is really fucking lonely. So of course I invited our friends, but now he doesn't want me to go at all cause its with the guys... who know we're dating, who have never made a pass in the 3 years of knowing them...

      • Starry_leek

        182d

        I'm gonna be honest from what I'm gathering from your reply to me and other's he's not actually willing to compromise because he's still only doing things he wants to do and that isn't fair, he needs to grow up a little and stop expecting you to be the one putting in most of the effort into this relationship, and if you want to hang out with friends he needs to understand that you're not trying to do anything that he's accusing you of you legit just want to do something for yourself for once instead of for him, and if you're selfish for doing that then by all means be selfish

  • Squarepeg

    182d

    There needs to be some compromise; both participating in each’s interest on occasion. It’s perfectly okay if he has different interests, but should also see that this is something that makes you happy. Let him know that this is something important that you do together, understanding it’s not HIS thing. Perhaps there is something you can both get out of it, like a dual outing (you both get to do something you like). Or, can ask what would make the activity more attractive or tolerable, such as an accommodation.

    • Squarepeg

      182d

      Just “going” with other guys right off the bat might make him feel inadequate and explain some jealousy. In the end, if there can’t be an occasional compromise, it will not last long term on either side. You have to be willing to make efforts to show that individual needs are sometimes second and works both ways.

      • Crystal_Rose

        182d

        Its been all me giving though, I mqnage all the finances, I do most of the chores in the house, we compromise all the time on things but its normally, me going qnd doing certain things without him (like if I want him to come to my family events that he doesn't want to go to) and its always the same stuff. I asked him if there ways qnything that could make it better because he didn't want to just go in the woods or the park. So I offered to bring some green, bring some food, and my volleyball or his bb gun but it was still no. Then when I asked about compromise he said it was going to the mall or to a movie. The only reasons it was going off with other guys is because they were people from our friend group that he's been ok with me being around alone with before. One of which I lived with for q couple months and would be home with him while my bf would be at work. nothing ever happened. I have no other friends other than one who's been doing stuff for attention that I don't agree with at all.

  • Kai36chambers

    182d

    I’m my opinion if he’s not okay with you hanging out with guy friends don’t. It would make any of us uncomfortable. I’m sorry that he doesn’t wanna do nature stuff with you though that does suck, but I’m a way you hanging out with guy friends and him not wanting you to and you still doing it, can come off as suspicious

    • Crystal_Rose

      182d

      They can't hang out i guess anyways. He even went through all my messages too to make sure I wasn't talking to them. Ive hung out with them alone before and he never had a problem then. Im just keeping my ass at home cause I don't need to be accused. Just super pissed that the one person I wanna do things with refuses to do them with me. And I have no friends that I enjoy being around.

      • Squarepeg

        182d

        If okay, I would like to comment on this thread.

      • Squarepeg

        182d

        In my opinion, and I’m sure yours too, going through messages is not OK. If his intent Was to snoop, then clearly, there are insecurities. Whether from your relationship, his past relationships, or maybe even growing up in his household, there could be underlying reasons and or trauma. I point this out because it’s also important to know that it requires a certain amount of sense if the behavior can ever change. If it made you feel insecure, then he needs to know. And not in a way that you’re trying to hide something, but it crosses personal boundaries and can be hurtful as it makes you feel like he doesn’t trust you. And if there isn’t trust, it has to change. Otherwise, what do you have? Can it be fixed, yes, but again, requiring effort to improve.

  • captain_pike

    182d

    To put it simply, he seems bad for you/he doesn't understand you. It's acceptable to have different interests but this is something else. I'm happy to talk more in pms!

    • Crystal_Rose

      181d

      He understand a lot about me, its just in his mind if he doesn't like something or doesn't want to do something, then he doesn't have to do it. period. I should have no problems because I should be considering his feelings.

      • Squarepeg

        181d

        He needs help, like many of us. I hope some day he realizes and finds it.

  • EmmeDee

    181d

    Maybe find some finds...or do some self care and do some things by yourself or other family members...or do meetup it's an app online or maybe look for another person to be with

    • Crystal_Rose

      181d

      Qqusing that qpp he will instantly assume in using it to cheat, ive been trying to make friends but none of then really seem to care or want to be friends back. like I'd make all the plans and ideas, id always be the one that has to go there to hang with them. working night shift doesn't help. And anytime I want to do something he doesn't want to do he just plays his games. I got get coffee, I go to the mall, I visit my aunts house but majority of the time its by myself. I would self care but I sont feel like I deserve it cause im in such a rush I'm not doing the things I need to do. like keeping up with the dishes. which had q whole separate argument with him 🙄😒 i know he can change, I know he notices his negative behavior sometimes. He asks what he should do to make it better, and I have gone at it from every angle from soft, to being sweet, to being firm, but he still flips when I tell him I cant give him any more advice other than to go to therapy. Which he refuses and says I need to stop suggesting it and respect that he doesn't want it.

  • EmmeDee

    181d

    *friends

  • EmmeDee

    181d

    Meetup app has nature walks and all kinds of different stuff to do with other people

  • themajesticaaron

    181d

    Can I be honest he sounds like a child. And although you may be together. Don't forget you are an indivual too and deserve to do things that bring you joy. Fuck him. Go out and about. Embrace the fresh air while he stews away in his own insecurity

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