Whippoorwill

187d

How do other ASD people handle marriage and conflict within marriage? How do you handle emotions and expressing them? I just recently got married-- I'm 29 and have never been married before. It seems that after the wedding my husband changed drastically and continues to do so. In the beginning, everything seemed wonderful and we had so much in common. Any time I try to confront him about anything, he reminds me of the fact that I'm mentally ill and it's probably just my illness and not legit because I'm just depressed. I pay for everything and I'm becoming more responsible for more bills. Things that we both liked before, he no longer likes so I'm not allowed to do bc it's "unattractive". He watches what I eat and comments on if I'm eating too much (I have food issues and general body issues so now I closet eat if I've had my three meals for the day because I'm ashamed of myself). I do all of the cooking and most of the cleaning and when I ask for help he tells me that he takes out the trash so he is helping. I'm starting to feel crazy, like my asperger's amd depression makes me too "out of touch" to understand my feelings. My self harming has been escalating and I'm seriously considering suicide because I do not believe in divorce but I also do not know how I'm going to survive another fifty years of this when it's already been five months and I'm this miserable. I don't know what to do anymore and I'm desperate for advice.

Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)

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  • Tired247

    187d

    No that is not good. Dear that's abusive relationship right there. You need to leave as quick as possible. That man is showing you he is controlling and willing to use your own diagnosis against you if you tell him you don't like something. That is not something someone does. Just pack up and leave, take everything most valuable and just go to parents house, friends house, just somewhere away from him. Are you in the US? you can get an annulment if it's under a year and it's like you guys weren't even married. Trust me from being in an abusive relationship myself, this is not a good path to force yourself on. I know you love this man but for your own safety and mental health, leave please.

  • SunInAugust

    187d

    Thats not a reflection if you at all its all a reflection of him. Fundamentally as a humans you deserve better. In the very least take a week away by yourself to see how much better you feel outside that weight. It can be hard to decide to make a big life choice like leaving someone abusive. Often it takes years to fully commit. But it starts with questioning whether or not the treatment is healthy and good. Pack a togo bag. Have a friend on standby. Have some cash set aside. Just on case its too much qnd you need a breather away, have those things handy. He is gaslighting you and using you. Married can be work sometimes, but not like this.

  • SunInAugust

    187d

    Also, you being depressed and autistic shouldn't factor in here. You deserve support from a partner. Full stop. Regardless of your neurotype or neurochemistry. You are not someone's mother, maid, therapist. Nope. Hard pass.

  • Bunny.girl

    187d

    I would recommend marriage counseling but it sounds like you are beyond that. Remove yourself from the situation, take a break and then see if you can reconcile the marriage. But if your spouse's behavior doesn't change, it needs to end. You don't deserve that kind of treatment and I guarantee that you can do so much better. 💓

  • Katty

    187d

    Wow he’s really really toxic. Have you tried couples therapy? You don’t have to make it about him, you could say you have a lot of issues you need support with and think it would be helpful if you could do therapy together so he can better understand and support you. Which is genuinely what it sounds like it is, but a lot of people get defensive when you mention them. I understand you don’t believe in divorce, but it seems as though you’ve tried to talk to him. If he doesn’t agree to therapy then it may be a good idea to try and create some distance. Things like separate bedrooms to have more space, staying with friends on the weekend, or even moving cities and being long distance are options down the road. If the marriage is so bad you want to die, creating distance may be an option in between divorce and death. Wish you the best and sending you love.

  • cozybunbun

    187d

    Hon I don't want to speak in absolutes, but what you're describing is really not okay and it sounds abusive. Especially with him trying to make you doubt yourself and control your actions. That's not how healthy relationships work

  • Whippoorwill

    186d

    Thank you all for taking the time to give me your input-- I appreciate it so much. I'm going to my parents' place one state over in about a week to take care of my mom for three weeks, so that'll be a perfect time for me to get some space as he can't come with me because his doctoral program has him on rotations in GA. Otherwise, getting space is impossible as he hates being apart from me (to the point where he will try to get me to go places like the gym or the doctor's office to just sit there and watch him)

    • Bunny.girl

      186d

      that sounds like a good idea. Wish you the best 💕💕

  • Katty

    186d

    You might want to consider staying longer if possible, but that space will be good! If your mom is supportive I would encourage you to open up to her about what’s going on.

  • Trailmix

    184d

    We’re not married yet, but I can whole heartedly say that couples therapy (as well as 1:1 therapy) is a great tool. It sounds like he can’t respect your boundaries. You might want to remove yourself before attempting to try and fix it- nothing is worth sticking around for if it’s making you miserable ❤️

☝ This content is generated by our users and it is not a substitute for professional medical advice. Please consult with your physician before making any medical decision

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