Struggling to Embrace My Inner Child

hi my name is Mei Shin, I'm a little and I'm one of five currently known Littles in our system, but I'm the oldest. I was created as a trauma holder and a child who is more likeable by adults then other children and because of that I'm more responsible and in the headspace I have to take care of my dad and sometimes the other Littles because I'm the only one who can reach them sometimes. it's so hard to be a little and then there are other Littles in your system and they have no or less trauma and no or less responsibilities. and other people in our life they see that they are just little kids and I'm 9 so I'm not as young as some of them but I want that. I want to not have to hold all the weight that I do. I want to feel okay being childish but I don't. because I was made to be taken more seriously I am but then I feel even more like I have to be an adult and Michael he can be nonverbal and all he has to do is be okay and play and I don't get to do that I'm too scared to play because I'm worried people will think I'm immature. i see the other Littles and how gentle people are and how easily it is for them to dissociate themselves for our past and I can't even choose my own actions because I don't know how to do things like kids would normally without being afraid. I always have to be responsible and I feel like it would be my fault if something goes wrong or I would get blamed but if something happened to Michael they would blame older people. I know it's not Michael's fault and I know it's not any of our fault I was made this way but it's hard. I feel like I have to keep pace with the adults and only do impressive things. I have to talk like an adult and have good grammar and I have to walk right and I can't show our gait issues but Michael comes our and he immediately trips and cuts our jeans and it's all okay and foolish cut our hair without asking and that was okay. I've never even been blamed for anything by the headspace people I just don't want to try to see if I would. I'm not comfortable with people worrying too much about me but I also wish that people would be as excited to see more or as helpful for me. I might be an infinite child but I don't feel like I can be a child at all.