Struggling with Jealousy and Self-Harm

tw:s*lf h*rm & s*icide mentions. i definitely dont expect anyone to read any or all of this, i just wanted to get this out of my system considering ive been putting my feelings and emotions on hold. incoming huge rant lol:im such a jealous person. its probably the biggest contribution to my depression besides guilt and abandonment. i couldnt see anyone my age being happy with friends without having a breakdown. its why i left school, im convinced if i was pretty and had friends and was talented id be happy. i wish i was normal and like everyone else, i wish i was someone else, i wish i had social skills. i wanna know what its like to be a good person and not rot in guilt. i wish i was good at something.anything.i cant do anything anyone my age does. i have no hobby, i cant do makeup,etc .name it and i cant do it. my brain controls me and im a slave to it because i dont have any distractions or alternatives to unhealthy addictions because i cannot do anything. people tell me i should get a hobby to distract myself but im bad at everything. i dont have anything like weed to turn to instead of a bl4de like everyone else.i even think im bad at hurting myself lol. i thought if i gave into the urge to start sh itd be enough, but now i feel like i have to hurt myself worse if that makes sense.i hate how sh is so competitive,i feel like im not as valid bc im most of the time im only capable of scratches and i havent been admitted to a ward and i havent had a serious svicide attempt.i dont even know if my attempts can be considered attempts bc i gave up during the process. i feel like if i live instead of ending my life, then i have to punish myself or make my life miserable.i feel like i stuck in a loop, everyday is the same.i feel stuck with people,stuck with a terrible mindset,stuck in a small town, etc. i used to make myself sad to have an excuse to relapse,but ive been too lazy to relapse now and ive been ignoring emotions so i wont be sad. i think ocd might be the scariest and difficult thing i deal with. from the stupid repeated movements,from the threats, from making lists of things and obsessing over them therefore causing procrastination, rewinding videos or movies over and over making it hard to finish a goddamn movie.im so scared ill lose my sense of self though i think i already have somewhat. i disassociate every second. ive had more conversations with a voice in my head than any real person. the only person who was there for me moved and now i have no one to be by my side in situations.i dont care about all the teenage boys that approach me to tell me im hideous and try to trick me into giving them a social media as a joke because they they im ugly, i just wish i had a friend to be on my side or something.i hate that i cant be satisfied with my appearance,if im going to always feel like shit i at least want to look good haha.i feel ugly inside and out. i feel so lonely even tho im in a relationship. i want everyone ik (only 2 people)to go away. i feel like im gonna have to di3 to get out of my situation.i dont want to deal with stupid relationship problems at my young age. i already feel chained as it is. i wish i didnt question my feelings. itd be nice if i didnt have them.i want a relationship like everyone else has, the kind where you talk to someone everyday or often and consider each other to be best friends .i feel like im missing that.everyone gaslights me so i never know if im in the wrong bc most people i know make me feel like im insane for wanting more than the bare minimum.i wouldnt have done half the stuff i did if it werent for pressure,now im too scared to leave a relationship because they could paint me in a bad light and they have knowledge about my appearance.i already know their lowering their standards and arent physically attracted to me but as soon as i leave theyll stop pretending they are physically attracted and talk shit. everybody i get attached to leaves me so i dont know why people that are negativity impacting me arent.of course the good people i love leave.when i talk about my problems i am either dismissed and professionals think im just fine, or told my clean streak isnt long enough and i could do better, or threatened that if i kms they will too. i want to be diagnosed so i can finally know whats wrong w myself and know im not the only one that goes through this and find out how to cope with it. yet everyone thinks i just want to be ill or have an excuse for my wrong doings.i suffer with so much guilt and i cant even tell anyone the reason for it. i feel guilt for little things but i think ive done some bad things too. there is videos of me online that i cant delete,whats worse is i posted them myself at a young age bc i guess i wanted to get a headstart at self sabotaging lol. im so scared itll resurface or go viral.i can never tell if i need to cut people out of my life or if i just want to self sabotage.either way i cant bring myself to do it. i used to want to cut everyone out bc i hate that they know someone so disgusting like me. i havent cleaned a wound in forever bc if im caught ill get in trouble,im usually met with anger if i relapse.my mom thinks it was pointless for her to start homeschooling if i relapse. as if i can just get better immediately. relapsing is apart of recovery ,even though i dont want to recover,im only clean when im too lazy to break the streak.ofc i dont want to do it but i think i deserve it. even if i quit ill still feel like shit. i feel completely disconnected and different from everyone, i cant function properly and dont have any social skills. i cant connect with anyone out of fear of abandonment, i dont have a group of friends of the same sex like everyone else does my age. i dont understand my feelings at all. i don't know who i am, i dont know whats wrong with me, i dont know what gender i like or wth i am, i dont know if im lying ab illness and who i like and what i am. i dont care if my family thinks im selfish for having svicidal ideation , id rather not be in pain then live to keep others happy. i think it's selfish to make others pain about you . them calling me selfish certainty doesnt make me want to stay here, if anything theyre fueling my negative view of myself lol. people think itd be best if i returned to public school, even tho i was told how hideous i am there and i had breakdowns and butchered myself in the restroom there everyday . couldn't sit in a class w/o sweating from anxiety and crying. same for lunch because they locked the doors and we couldnt go to the restroom. it was fuckin embarrassing, if i went back i think id actu give into svicidal urges. but everyone thinks they know whats best. they act as if id magically get social skills and make a friend if i went back. and i thought i was the delusional one lmao. if anyone read all of this i appreciate you veryveryvery much and i hope you are doing better then i am.