NervousDepresso

142d

Just like everything else I post on here, I have no idea why I'm posting this either. But I hate how lonely I am all the time. I hate always being by myself. Truthfully, it's all my own fault. I'm an unbearable, whiney, needy, overwhelming, angry, and hostile a**hole. I can't change myself. I can't even try. But that's a whole different topic.
What I'm trying to talk about, is how much I hate that the only way anyone exists in my life is as a freakin text bubble on my phone. Texting may be enough for some people, but its nowhere close for me. Yes, texting a friend does make me feel the tiniest bit less alone from time to time, but it doesn't change the fact that I'm all by myself. The world is absolute garbage, and because of the way it works, no one ever has time for anything. People don't even have time for themselves, let alone for others. So people text, cause it's the only thing they have time to do. But even when people do somehow find the time to be with others, to be with their friends...they never do, and never will choose to spend that time with me. I never see another soul unless I beg them. But..... I... you know what... I get it. I don't blame them. I'm a terrible person. Why would anyone want to have anything to do with me? I'm too much of a sad, broken(and just plain broke) sack of crap to put in any effort to go out, or to do anything with people. I need other people to be the ones to reach out, to be the ones that either come see me, or drag me up off my ass to do stuff with them. But no one will ever do that. Even my closest friends would pick just about any other person on earth before even considering me to spend their time with.
This whole post is such a waste of time and energy. Well, not really a waste. It's not like I was gonna do anything else with my time. I just sit here all day, everyday.

Lamotrigine

Restlessness and Agitation

Depression

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  • JoshuaR

    142d

    I know your pain. It is maddening being picked last all the time, and it can really hurt. I want you to think about yourself, and what you said here, because I have wonderful news. You're at the first step to greatness, because I know I've been there. Please listen to these instructions, if it will potentially help: Exhale, count to 4, inhale, count to 4, repeat however long as needed. Exhale, count. While breathing, acknowledge the parts where you aren't actually responsible and the parts you are responsible for. Increase the 4 by 1 second or more if need be. Inhale, count. Remember you recognize your issues, and that is mature and brave. Now you gave the problem a name to fight against. Exhale, count. Release the anger and anguish in an effective yet safe way. Let your tears stream, with your head low. Remind yourself you brought yourself a safe haven, and you can make it safer. Inhale, count. If it is anger, let it out in a pillow through a ferocious battlecry, spitting out every lash and hostile thing you wish to say. Playing a power fantasy game like Doom can help too, just make the ones who hurt you weaker in the game. It's better to attack a bunch of pixels than actual people. Exhale, count. Recognize that you released your rage, and let the clarity fill you. Be proud that you didn't hurt anyone, but your mental foes. Write your thoughts down. Then, recharge and disarm any future trouble in your mind as much as reasonably possible. Count to 4, inhale. Count to 4, exhale.

    • NervousDepresso

      142d

      no offense, but this kind of mindfulness crap doesn't work with me. I'm just not wired that way. And the whole "first step to greatness" thing, yeah that doesn't apply to me. I don't try. I'm too weak and lazy to try anything, let alone to take any kind of first step.

  • Roperry2377

    142d

    This post isn't/wasn't a waste of time, because you are not a waste of anything. I can relate to how you feel, because when I was 8yo, I found out I was pretty much a "shotgun wedding" child (my parents only married because of me being on the way), and then I was molested when I was 10 1/2 - 11yo, and I am now 45, and still have battles against the words in my head that I don't need to die, the whole universe would just be better off if I "never happened, and was never born at all." So yeah, I definitely get how feel, and wish I could help you out somehow

  • Biosynthesis

    142d

    I feel similarly, I keep holding on just to see what's next. You have nothing to lose. I understand that caustic feeling inside. I'm still working on being ok with life. I just recently started to feel ok with being alone. I have sacrificed myself in a failed attempt to connect to and satisfy others for so long and still ended up alone and depressed. I did/do all the therapy I can, I tried a bunch of medication combos and finally started getting the formula right. I did better with Vyvanse and Lexapro and Valium, even better with Wellbutrin added, even better yet with Spravato added, and once lamotrigine was added, then did a couple more Spravato sessions, it changed everything for me. Do what you can to improve and feel better. As much as I thought the desire for social connections was the answer to my anhedonic, irritating depression, but therapy and medications from a good doctor helps. You claim to have the free time so there's nothing to lose by trying and it's worth the effort if you legitimately want to feel better.

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