4byfour

52d

I let an old friend live with me for three days. We hung out with another friend one night. I dropped off my other friend and then he told me he was sleeping in his car. I told him I’d give him a place to stay for 3 nights.
We smoked all three nights, and they were all a ton of fun. We were on the same wavelength, it turns out we dated in the 10th grade, and we shared a lot in common. I fed him and showed him resources and I honestly did all I know how to do. He barely took anything I tried to give him, especially food.
The first night I actually kind of fell in love with him. He treated me so kindly and I didn’t feel anxious at all. He taught me a lot about trip sitting/vibing, actually. My mental health has increased tenfold since having him over.

There was an element of ‘will they won’t they’, and that’s what’s really bothering me.
I kind of liked this guy. But he has a baby momma who kicked him out of the house. He has a kid at 20 years old. He’s…a project I guess. He wasn’t a project at all when I housed him, but I know if we did do anything, that might change. I would be an easy rebound, the dynamic would be caretaker/caregiver, and I might end up changing my mind about him anyway. I’m not at all where he is and I physically cannot meet him where he’s at in his life.
My conclusion is to wait until he finds an apartment. And we found a few together. Then I’ll decide what’s real and what isn’t. I just…I don’t know. I don’t know. No other guy showed me the respect he did those three nights before. No reference to my body and every reference to my personality and how we clicked, and that just made him so poopin’ attractive to me. I felt safe. I…I actually felt at home. Was it Stockholm syndrome?

It’s really bothering me that maybe I’ve been rejected by every guy I’ve dated. I’ve even been rejected by my last partner of over a year. Other guys wanted me for my body and maybe didn’t even realize it, because something else shows when you want a girl because of her, not because it’s rough to get one. I didn’t realize there was a difference. Guys strung me along and didn’t show me…the gentleman’s game. I think maybe they all have it in them for the right girl.

I’m having a hard time discerning which thoughts are real and which are fantasy. I’m incredibly lonely. It was nice to have a break from that for a while, but I’m not sure if I can handle _not_ being lonely.

Rejection sensitive

Depression

Anxiety (Including GAD)

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