Seeking a Diagnosis for OCD: My Story

Yes! Its kinda embarrassing to talk about cuz a lot of people don't know about all the different subtypes/themes of OCD but back in 2021, first of all I was going through psychosis (I have bipolar 1) and I was watching this this tarot reading trying to get answers about my higher purpose and she was saying that big changes were coming and said something like "you may be coming out" then said well not like coming out like that but maybe idk and at first I laughed cuz I had always loved boys (im female) then I just got this sinking feeling like omg what if I am attracted to girls and the more I sat with it the more anxious I started to feel about it cuz I still had feelings for my ex at the time and I just started thinking but if I'm attracted to girls then I can't get back with my ex and long story short I spent 6 months asking my friends have I ever done anything that seemed to indicate that I was into girls,I would confess to my friends multiple times that I didnt know if I was attracted to girls and ask for their reassurance telling me I wasn't, i would look up articles how do you know that you're gay, I would watch videos or porn with two women and check to see if I was aroused and at the same time would avoid watching videos of two women together, I deleted my Instagram cuz a lot of pictures of women in like lingerie or bathing suits kept coming up and I didn't want to see it, if I met someone who was a lesbian I would avoid them, I was worried all the time that other people would look at me and think I was a lesbian so I'd wear the most feminine things as possible and it got so bad sometimes worrying about all this stuff that I wouldn't leave the house I'd try but as soon as I got to wherever I needed to go I just would get back in the car and go home. The craziest thing I did tho was I started do this ritual/compulsion of flipping a coin heads was straight and tails was gay and I'd flip it as many times as I needed to until I ended up with heads went on like this for 6ish months until I suddenly remembered that I had taken an online quiz a long time ago about OCD and it asked if I had ever questioned my sexuality so I looked up sexual ocd and it came up immediately and listed every thought and every compulsion I had ever done concerning this topic so I told my therapist and she immediately was like yea you have OCD sorry for such the long message but I don't really ever talk about it with anyone cuz I'm still a little embarrassed about it cuz I also knew that a lot of my friends were gay and I didn't want anyone to think that I was so worried about it cuz I didn't like queer people that's another sign I had OCD I would also worry that people would think that I didn't like queer people and beat myself up wondering if why it scared me so much was cuz I secretly hated queer people but just tell your doctor all the obsessive thoughts and compulsions and they should realize that you have OCD lol

Hi! I think the first time I realized was summer of 2022 but I definitely remember experiencing symptoms before then. I had confessed a few things to my girlfriend one night and a few months later I told her I might have ocd and she said she knew from that night that I might so that’s what made me seek out a diagnosis. Last week I did a screening for ocd, which won’t give me an official diagnosis but will tell me if I should seek a diagnosis. I’m getting the results tomorrow. If they say I have a high possibility for ocd I will probably research a place that could give me a diagnosis. I hope you are able to find a good place that can help with your diagnosis!