Struggling with Repressed Memories and Guilt

Trigger warning. I'm hoping some other survivors are open to being honest about their experiences, as I've been struggling heavily with repressed memories the past few months, mounting on top of this guilt I've felt for so long. As a child and to this day, I had "fantasies" that are horrific. They all have to do with me being violated, beaten, and/or murdered. I have no intentions to act on these thoughts, and I don't discuss them with my partner. Sex is hard. I'm either staring at the ceiling, dissociated, or thinking of the aforementioned terrible things to actually finish. Neither make me very happy. Masturbation isn't any better. I've wanted to speak to a therapist for so long, but my brain has always stopped me. From 13 to 18, I would sit in the office once a week wordless, unable to muster up the words to speak about my abuse. I honestly think this may have to do with the trauma that came from one of my likely abusers passings. I feel like if I speak what he did into existence, there is no longer a possibility that it's in my head or just an intrusive thought. I feel his eyes looking on me as I type this, and I'm terrified I may be misremembering or dramatic. I'm terrified of ruining a dead man's name. But it all clicks together too well. My childhood issues, addictions, dreams, and memories have been jumbled into an incoherent puzzle I'm scared I've misanswered. I have known abusers from later in life, but after I had already been having issues. I worry about damning one who I was too young to remember much on beyond strange comments or suggestions for games. I spiraled a bit too much writing that, TL;DR is that I really need to hear other people's stories, advice, what worked, etcetera. I'll take anything. I can't speak to anyone, I can't admit to myself a large part of my abuse may be real, and I can't find normal sexual acts appealing. I resent every part of this, but I don't know what to do when as soon as I step into a therapist's office and trauma is mentioned, I go mute. Please help.