Surviving Sexual Assault and Domestic Violence

Hey, Im sorry for thr long read but I want everyone to understand the gist. I'm a female born and raised in rural Idaho, I was sexually assaulted by my uncle from the age of 6 to 12, he put many lies in my head, sparking life long issues for me like anorexia, compulsive lying, ptsd, body dysmorphia, and many other things. During these years he let me drink to help with the pain, and I drank often. After this I had a very false sense of what relationships should be, and at 14 I found a man I loved with all of me, but he was 19. 5 years older than I was. This relationship was very healthy in the beginning, but I soon was being beat for laughing when I shouldn't have, or whipped for dropping a plate, and so on. I never wanted sex again after what my uncle did, but he was soon forcing me to have sexual relations with him soon after being together. I quickly was introunced to hard drugs ans started doing math and heroine to stay awake in school. He played such intricate mind games I never knew how to leave. While with him I had a coworker stalk, kidnap, drug, and sexually assault me. After telling my ex this he then beat me for "cheating and lying". I only got away from him because he decided to move away just before this pandemic. I struggle with flash backs from belts, various objects, sounds, smells. I have developed ticks that come and go and have no clue how to stop them. I physically hurt the longer I hold them in. I have seen many different tharapists, but after my last experience I have horrible trauma from it and I currently won't be looking for another. I'd love suggestions and input if anyone has found ways to help. 💛💛💛