Struggling with My Identity and My Christian Mother

Long unorganized vent, apologies in advance. (I didn’t think it would be this long.) Currently just struggling. My mom is Christian and I spent the last 4 months going by my deadname at school just so I could stop the constant reminders of how it’s bad. I started going by Beth but it never felt right because it wasn’t my name. I used it as a “nickname” since my mom would check my Instagram and confront me about it. I didn’t hate my deadname but I don’t care for it either. (If given the choice, I’d rather be called Sage) but I feel so guilty about it because it causes a rift between me and my mom and I hate it. I want to tell her I love her without feeling like I’m loving someone who’s actively against who I am. Is that bad? To want to love someone who is like that? I hate making her seem like a horrible person, as I’ve accidentally done in the past, she’s an amazing mother and has given me so much. Though every time my identity is thrown into the mix, I’m caught between faking everything and being happy about it vs being happy with myself but her being upset about it and it guilts me. About a year ago (I was 15), my mom downloaded an app that alerted her of dangerous behavior (mostly self-injury) but it also marked swearing and had access to all my social medias via usernames and alerted my mom if I download an app that required an account (if you signed up). I thought that’s all it was, it was difficult at the beginning since it was very random though I got used to it. My mom argued it was for “the monitoring she didn’t do when I was younger”. Apparently when he was home, my brother was taking my phone at night, hooking it up to his computer, and able to go through my texts and everything on there. He found out I had asked one of my friends for a binder, told my mom, and threw it out when it came despite being hidden under a gift. I learned my mom and brother had been talking to each other about me. If I got upset at my mom for saying something transphobic, she’d tell my brother and vice versa. Even worse, my mom would take my phone as well, and she had the password (I didn’t know, she didn’t ask, I’m not sure how she got it.) She went through everything, looked at screenshots and took pictures of my friends information and things I had posted. I confronted them about it in tears and they replied with “You’ve said stuff about us on Reddit.” And yes, that is true, I’m not going to deny it. I had talked about them being transphobic/homophobic (which they think is a woke thing thats made up). I still struggle with trust and I’m paranoid about everything and feel like everything I do is being watched. I have deleted the posts since then and haven’t used Reddit. Though my mom thinks it’s stupid and “It was for safety” or my brother was “trying to protect me”. I’m scared just posting this. I’ve talked to about this to one person, my therapist, but I still haven’t gotten completely over it. I can’t think about my identity without feeling scared and guilty of how my parents feel and what lies ahead of me (in the Christian afterlife because of what I was told as a kid) and I hate it. I’m so tired, I’m trying to forgive but I can’t keep fighting. I can’t do it anymore.