tarotgrl222

335d


i’ve wanted to talk to someone about this for over a month but i feel like people will think i’m crazy if i talk to them about it. for anonymity’s sake, names have been changed. i was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about 8 months ago. i also have adhd, mdd, and anxiety. i’ve also smoked weed regularly for a over a year now, and nothing bad has ever happened to me before. emily, a friend from high school, rachel, my roommate and also a friend from high school, and eli, a guy that i had recently met. january 31st, i bought weed and went back to my apartment to smoke it with rachel and emily. eli stayed sober. i started out feeling fine, but then i started to get really anxious and i greened out, which is something i’ve never done before. the high was so crazy and intense, like no high i’ve ever had before, so i know for a fact that i had definitely purchased laced weed. i’ve never done anything harder than weed. i went manic. i had no control over myself whatsoever and things were just spewing out of my mouth. i was spewing out all of my guilt and anxious thoughts. i didn’t know where i was, nothing looked familiar. a completely different personality came out of me, which i would identify as my “extroverted artsy musical speech kid happy” me. emily, rachel, and eli tried calming me down, mostly eli. everyone was obviously terrified. rachel started having a panic attack, and emily tried to console her while eli continued to try and calm me down. emily called 911, and i slowly started to calm down. as soon as the emts showed up, i became more manic and started screaming. i remember the police talking to me, asking me what medications i take, what all i had done, etc., i don’t remember being put on the stretcher. i remember being moved out to the ambulance and talking to myself, exposing all of my guilt. i remember being in the ambulance talking to the emt riding along side me, a different personality came out, which i’d describe as a “big sister” figure. i was so empathetic to myself. i was telling the emt about my life and how i had gone through so much. i was saying things that i had never told anyone. i don’t really remember everything i said, but i honestly wish i remembered more of what i said. i was sedated on the ambulance ride over, so i don’t remember getting to the hospital. i remember waking up around a bunch of nurses around me and my drugged up self just kept telling them that they were pretty and that we were all besties and a “girl gang”. i was told to call my friends to come pick me up. i called rachel, and she didn’t pick up. i called emily, and they answered. i asked them if they could pick me up, and they said okay. about 5 minutes later, a nurse walks into my room and tells me that apple had called the hospital and said that they couldn’t pick me up. i called one of my other friends to come and pick me up. her, zoey, and her girlfriend, jessica, came and got me, and asked me what all happened. i explained as best as ketamine infused me could, and zoey and jessica drove me to emily’s apartment. zoey went into apple’s building and asked why they couldn’t have come to pick me up, and they told her that they had wake up at 2 the next morning for work, which was a lie. they had told me while we were hanging out that they had to wake up at 4 for work. rachel was also there, and zoey went off on both of them for abandoning me. i got dropped off at my apartment by zoey and jessica, and i was there for about 15 minutes before rachel and her dad walk in. note, her dad lives 2 hours away from us. i understand that she was scared, i truly do. but she involved her parents in this and also told them that i was the only one smoking it. her parents strongly dislike me now because of it. i don’t really remember everything from that night but it’s slowly coming back to me. i’ve heard things from rachel, saying that emily and her had talked about how they now have a “trauma bond” due to me. that shit is not very fun to hear. i’m not sure what all i really want to get out of this post, but some reassurance and advice might help:,)

Anxiety (Including GAD)

Bipolar Disorder

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  • Beanieweenie

    335d

    Focus on taking care of yourself, you can apologize to your friends for scaring them if you want but at the same time you didn’t do anything harmful to them and simply had an episode due to substance use/bipolar/the combination of the two. Please be careful with the weed you smoke, people with bipolar disorder are extremely sensitive to substances. In early college I had experienced a couple hypomanic episodes but spent most of my time severely depressed, I got weed from one supplier I trusted and it was therapeutic for me. However once I added stimulant abuse among other things to the mix, things went downhill fast. I have persistent auditory hallucinations and paranoia now, and it gets really bad if I smoke. Just monitor yourself and take those symptoms seriously, and if you continue smoking either find a regular supplier who you trust who can sell you nugs instead of shake/pre ground, bc you can’t tell what’s in that stuff. Or get a medical card. The people who are meant to stay in your life will, some won’t understand won’t stay and that’s okay. While you have to take accountability for your actions you also have to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself and it doesn’t sound like you did anything harmful to them in that scenario. You’ll be okay ☺️

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