Struggling with PTSD and Trauma

Hi I am Alexis. I am having a hard time, like suicide has been my thoughts of option since I was a kid. Well I am now coming to the conclusion not to return to my abusive family or ex boyfriend but I use to dream about killing my dad when I was a kid, now I have urges to find him and hurt him it's like the anger doesn't go away. Alot of dark stuff happened to me and I haven't found a therapist yet. It's almost as if I am recovering from Stockholm syndrome, and devoloped being an agoraphobe, my mom died when I was two and I felt like I was under constant attack from sexual, physical, mental abuse. I use to be obsessed with trying to cry out for my mother for help, like quiji boards and such, my whole childhood has been a suicidal mission, the attempts have lifted recently, as I am a survivor still wanting to be alive, but some nights I just can't sleep thinking about how she died next to me and my mental state having road blocks with anger and depression.Or I will wake up screaming in my head having headaches not sure why but my voices and noises come out with my mouth closed and it's as if nobody notices, but if I talk to them directly not trying to hold it in I freak out in a panic wondering why people talk to me about it or hear me as I am throwing a fit. But I do feel hostile at times and same things I do not wish to say. I just want this curse feeling to go away so I can stop the headaches body aches and pain. I am in a safe place now. But my PTSD always finds a way to ruin my life. Any advice helps or sharing anything. I have not seen a therapist in a long time. waiting being patient.