LexiAlexis

306d

Hi I am Alexis. I am having a hard time, like suicide has been my thoughts of option since I was a kid. Well I am now coming to the conclusion not to return to my abusive family or ex boyfriend but I use to dream about killing my dad when I was a kid, now I have urges to find him and hurt him it's like the anger doesn't go away. Alot of dark stuff happened to me and I haven't found a therapist yet. It's almost as if I am recovering from Stockholm syndrome, and devoloped being an agoraphobe, my mom died when I was two and I felt like I was under constant attack from sexual, physical, mental abuse. I use to be obsessed with trying to cry out for my mother for help, like quiji boards and such, my whole childhood has been a suicidal mission, the attempts have lifted recently, as I am a survivor still wanting to be alive, but some nights I just can't sleep thinking about how she died next to me and my mental state having road blocks with anger and depression.Or I will wake up screaming in my head having headaches not sure why but my voices and noises come out with my mouth closed and it's as if nobody notices, but if I talk to them directly not trying to hold it in I freak out in a panic wondering why people talk to me about it or hear me as I am throwing a fit. But I do feel hostile at times and same things I do not wish to say. I just want this curse feeling to go away so I can stop the headaches body aches and pain. I am in a safe place now. But my PTSD always finds a way to ruin my life. Any advice helps or sharing anything. I have not seen a therapist in a long time. waiting being patient.

Generalized pain

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Depression

Headache

Chronic Irritability and Anger

View all
  • shamprock

    306d

    Hi Alexis! Thank you for sharing 💕 I used to experience uncontrollable anger before I was on the right meds. I started seeing a therapist again on Saturday. It's been years and years since I've been. I've experienced sexual abuse. I'm so sorry you've been through so much. Feel free to chat with me!

  • LexiAlexis

    306d

    Oh and am so sorry to hear that it is hard to go through. Everyone is different sure I wouldn't mind 👍 🙂

  • KikiKiss

    304d

    It's refreshing to see someone admit about the angry part I sometimes think about getting back at the people who traumatized me and my mother also, but I realize at the end of the day it would not help my mother's pain or mine. I had to find a therapist who specializes in helping rape survivors. She actually told me my feelings and fantasies about wanting to kill the people who hurt me and wanting to be my own hero was completely normal and I'm not alone. So neither are you, it blows that we have to carry the trauma of what was done to us forever but we owe it to ourselves to live the best life we can to shove that in the faces of those who tried to break us completely.

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