Struggling with BED Recovery and Self-Hatred

Treatment advice? And a vent 😅 I've been struggling with BED for about a decade and it's only getting more and more stressful. It seems genuinely impossible to recover. If I do well for a while with eating and exercise, I always end up relapsing. Every time. I know I shouldn't kick myself for it because of how supportive I am to others relapsing, yet I don't apply that understanding to myself. My cholesterol is high, my body is embarrassing (to myself), I struggle to look in the mirror and love anything about myself, feel nauseous and sick from binging, occasional difficulty breathing from large intake of food, intake embarrassment, guilt, aggravated GERD, etc. I feel lost in this and I don't even know what to do. I can barely get out of bed to use the bathroom most days due to depression and body aches/pains, so exercise is really challenging. My therapist and I are working on treatment for more debilitating mental health things. I can't afford another therapist and the only "health coach" I've been to was an absolute snob that made me cry in embarrassment. There's not many providers (none that I know of) around that specialise in the disorder, either. I don't even remember getting like this. I used to be tiny (granted it was 10+ years ago and I'm 24) and then I rapidly began putting on weight. I don't remember gaining it and I can't remember what it's like to not feel like this. I want to be thinner for the sake of my overall physical health, mental health and self-hatred, and physical appearance.