Struggling with Mental Health: A Cry for Help

Lately I feel like I've gotten the shit beat out of me. I really want to be okay. I have wanted that for the last year. Everytime I am anywhere near being okay, the puzzle falls apart again. I can't undo anything that has happened. I know I have to deal with the consequences. Truth is, I have regressed into being suicidal once more. The meds are completely out of my system (can't afford them rn) ans everyday is getting harder to function without a feeling of just "existing". If anything, this world is seen by me in many different colors. Somedays, life is like a rainbow. Some days, I see life through a dull, empty void. Other days, I don't see anything, as I am writing this - this is one of those days. I don't know where my next step is, or even if there is another step. Am I willing to take another step? That is the question I am trying to answer.