Living with Depression: The Pain and Fear of Feeling

I wake up to the sound of animals. In the first 30 seconds I feel no pain, I feel no mental illness..it's just me. Then the pain hits. It starts of with a tingling feeling in my legs (on bad days my whole body). It feels like a bunch of people clapping in a twisted play where I am the only one there. Tied to a chair screaming on stage where the light is ever so focused on my pain. Everyone in the crowd is part of my black parade. The people that I have unintentionally left in the wake of my destruction. I was trapped, struggling for a way out not knowing the damages I caused. My depression is very much rooted in evil and it wont go away. Being numb is safe because it doesn't matter. When you decide you are done living a false life you start having feelings come back. Feelings are not what you are accustomed to so they bring a lot of pain and fear. I just don't know who I am