So just a general TW overall - though I won’t be going into any graphic detail, there will be mentions of ab*se (of all kinds). In general, when I was 13-14 I was in a very toxic and ab*sive relationship (he was about 6 months older than me, so not much). It really messed me up because for almost 2 years after it ended I didn’t even recognize it as ab*se, I thought I was being dramatic.As the years go on, I seem to forget about the specifics of what happened, but the pain he caused me only gets worse. But because I forget about the specifics I tend to doubt that any of it actually happened. I’m having a very difficult time trusting myself. I also struggle with believing that I could even be considered a victim. (TW // sa) I never told him no; and there were times later on when I initiated certain things. However I also felt pressured to, and he would guilt me if I didn’t. I was scared of him… I thought he was gonna leave if I didn’t do what he wanted. After some time I just accepted that’s all I was good for. Looking back I never enjoyed it it always left me feeling disgusting and ashamed. However because I never spoke up for myself… I feel like it was my fault I ended up that way. If I had just said no then it wouldn’t have gotten that bad. Anyways - my question to you is does anyone else get in similar moods where you begin to doubt everything that’s ever happened, and ultimately decide that what happened to you isn’t worth considering yourself a victim of anything? Like what you went through wasn’t “valid” or “bad enough”. Or because you maybe agreed once before that it takes away from any other time you didn’t? Does anyone have a similar experience?
Complex post traumatic stress disorder
i have a very similar experience, and i get in those moods all the time. TW… i was in an abusive relationship from around 15–17. i ostracized myself from all my friends, got pressured into sex when i wasn’t ready, had to take plan b several times in one month because i couldn’t seem to find the voice to argue, and much more of course. i think the moods of doubt come from a place of abuse itself. for years, you were made to think that you were crazy. it makes sense that over time you start to think “huh, it’s been a while. maybe i’m not remembering it like it really was” especially if you have a history of other people in your life making you feel that way. i think it’s so so important to remember that no matter what somebody else’s reality is (for example, i’m sure the abuser’s reality is much different) YOU are hurt. you are constantly reminded of past events and it (maybe? correct me if i’m wrong) affects the way you live your life and approach present relationships. that’s valid, and it’s worth help!
this was very reassuring to hear, thank you! It really helps me to see people with similar experiences because it makes it a little less confusing for me!! I really really appreciate it :)
always here to talk
Yes absolutely. It wasn't a romantic relationship for me it was more emotional abuse as a kid starting around 5(?)ish I don't remember exactly but since I dissociate and will forget details I try to convince myself it's not that bad or other people had it worse. My personal belief is that that's definitely self-gaslighting caused by the abuser. When I told my dad I didn't appreciate that he'd drunkenly yell at me all the time growing up he told me "everyone gets angry" and sometimes I think I'm internalizing that so I remind myself that it DID hurt despite what anyone says. You're the best advocate for yourself, try to be forgiving. Toxic long-term relationships especially when you're young are awful for development. Hope you can heal over time.
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