Struggling to Recognize My Own Abuse

So just a general TW overall - though I won’t be going into any graphic detail, there will be mentions of ab*se (of all kinds). In general, when I was 13-14 I was in a very toxic and ab*sive relationship (he was about 6 months older than me, so not much). It really messed me up because for almost 2 years after it ended I didn’t even recognize it as ab*se, I thought I was being dramatic. As the years go on, I seem to forget about the specifics of what happened, but the pain he caused me only gets worse. But because I forget about the specifics I tend to doubt that any of it actually happened. I’m having a very difficult time trusting myself. I also struggle with believing that I could even be considered a victim. (TW // sa) I never told him no; and there were times later on when I initiated certain things. However I also felt pressured to, and he would guilt me if I didn’t. I was scared of him… I thought he was gonna leave if I didn’t do what he wanted. After some time I just accepted that’s all I was good for. Looking back I never enjoyed it it always left me feeling disgusting and ashamed. However because I never spoke up for myself… I feel like it was my fault I ended up that way. If I had just said no then it wouldn’t have gotten that bad. Anyways - my question to you is does anyone else get in similar moods where you begin to doubt everything that’s ever happened, and ultimately decide that what happened to you isn’t worth considering yourself a victim of anything? Like what you went through wasn’t “valid” or “bad enough”. Or because you maybe agreed once before that it takes away from any other time you didn’t? Does anyone have a similar experience?