Feeling Like a Burden: My Struggle with Mental and Physical Health

i think that no one will ever be able to love someone like me. with all the help i need to function, i can feel my partner's patience wearing thin. i feel like it's one of those gel filled silicone balls being squeezed so hard there's barely any left between the silicone and the filling. my phobia's gotten worse so i'm always on edge. i don't have control over anything, in my thoughts or otherwise. it comes up several times a day. i keep experiencing catatonia with mutism, staring spells, and other odd behaviours. i keep feeling myself on the edge of a psychotic breakdown. my senses are distorted, my paranoia is much more than before. i'm annoying enough that i've never been able to keep a friend. i'm dark and depressing. i react in strange ways because of my trauma. the people treating my mental health issues are no better than paid actors pretending to care about me, the person, instead of "me", the diagnoses. my physical health is a flaming dumpster as well. i use a cane, walker and wheelchair, two of which are big and heavy and take up lots of room in vehicles. i need transportation to my appointments, which costs us a lot of time. i have to follow special diets that cost us more money. i'm always tired and in pain. and no one on the mental health side knows how to help someone whos as physically fucked as they are mentally fucked. no one has the patience to deal with all of this. my own mother didn't even have the patience for the half of it; i should have no expectation that anyone else would have the patience for all of it. i just want to die. i just want out of it. i hate being in this much pain all the time. i hate being a burden to everyone around me just by virtue of existing. i'm tired of always being scared about money. i'm tired of being hated. i was not meant for this world and have known that for some time. so before they can leave me, i want out. they won. they took everything i had and now i have nothing left. i'm nothing but a broken shell.