anemone

107d

i think that no one will ever be able to love someone like me. with all the help i need to function, i can feel my partner's patience wearing thin. i feel like it's one of those gel filled silicone balls being squeezed so hard there's barely any left between the silicone and the filling.

my phobia's gotten worse so i'm always on edge. i don't have control over anything, in my thoughts or otherwise. it comes up several times a day. i keep experiencing catatonia with mutism, staring spells, and other odd behaviours. i keep feeling myself on the edge of a psychotic breakdown. my senses are distorted, my paranoia is much more than before. i'm annoying enough that i've never been able to keep a friend. i'm dark and depressing. i react in strange ways because of my trauma. the people treating my mental health issues are no better than paid actors pretending to care about me, the person, instead of "me", the diagnoses.

my physical health is a flaming dumpster as well. i use a cane, walker and wheelchair, two of which are big and heavy and take up lots of room in vehicles. i need transportation to my appointments, which costs us a lot of time. i have to follow special diets that cost us more money. i'm always tired and in pain. and no one on the mental health side knows how to help someone whos as physically fucked as they are mentally fucked.

no one has the patience to deal with all of this. my own mother didn't even have the patience for the half of it; i should have no expectation that anyone else would have the patience for all of it.

i just want to die. i just want out of it. i hate being in this much pain all the time. i hate being a burden to everyone around me just by virtue of existing. i'm tired of always being scared about money. i'm tired of being hated. i was not meant for this world and have known that for some time. so before they can leave me, i want out.

they won. they took everything i had and now i have nothing left. i'm nothing but a broken shell.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Generalized pain

Self-inflicted injury

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  • Elace

    107d

    I do feel this!!!!! It’s hard for me to express myself my husband is like your always being a bitch no I have sever depression from when my 3 yr old passed away sever ptsd….. had a baby in 2021 and 2022 ppd is at a all time high. And let’s not even get started on my anxiety but he takes it as me being bitchy and really I am drowning really freaking fast

    • anemone

      107d

      unfortunately the aforementioned phobia is tokophobia and this is exactly why i don't spend time around people. i can't stop being triggered all the time by everything around me.

      • Elace

        107d

        …. Have you tried to see what triggers you babe??

  • Roland

    107d

    There are no words that can make any of that better, but I can say I've been there to a degree. What worked for me was a combination of meds, therapy, and treating myself with the things I enjoy. Chronic pain can make life difficult both physically and mentally, I can feel the pain in your words. For what it's worth, I'm always here if you need to vent.

  • DjsTre

    107d

    Omg! It's as if some other more intuitive or willing to accept these fears to be real, idk which.... side of me has written YOUR words before. ALL OF THE STUFF, the trauma of my past, current trauma, NEVER being able to keep a friend 💔 feeling like people are just playing along to be "nice" and that no one wants me around. Mostly because I am a medical malady and a mental case..... however reading your much more thoughtful description was as if I was reading my innermost thoughts OUT IN THE OPEN 😱 I think if I can make time to come here, I'd very much like to connect with you 🙋🏼‍♀️

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