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21 years ago today, I got a call that my mom had been killed in a car accident my dad was driving. I had that dream when I was a kid but he was supposed to die in the same accident. Somehow he survived until a couple of months ago. When I heard, I had just started a new job. It tore me up inside because I still think so much of her, although she failed to protect me from the monsters in the family. She joined in with treating me like shit when my family turned against me and said some extremely painful things. You can say a lot of things but there is a great deal of pain and at the same time, I admired her because we were a lot alike. So it is a mixed bags of emotions. And now with my dad gone, I’m faced with being all alone from my birth family. I have no desire to be with my God forgave me older brother or my a-hole younger brother that thinks the world revolves around him. Yes, I’ve got Jeff and I’m so thankful for that, but no matter what, that severed biological connection never ceases. It lessons with time, but it is always a confusing part for my brain cells to comprehend. I’ve had far to many in the past year act as if they are my family and unfortunately it was all words. When I needed them the most, they went awol and silent on me. I guess they were right that they were family because they turned their backs on me. I’m at the point where they are now dead to me as well. I have very few friends that I could pick up the phone and call and they would listen. So many that claim to be my friends act as if I no longer exist. I’m slowly dumping them from my life, instead of expecting they will ever give a damn about me again. Going to massage school was one of the major changes I made from my moms death. This year, I will not be renewing my massage license. I no longer have the physical endurance to do it and there’s just so much bullshit in the massage and new age world that I can’t stomach anymore. They’ve turned their backs on me anyway and so time to let them go. As always, I’ll find my way through things but life has shifted in a major way for me and I no longer have a desire to connect with those who say one thing but actions show another. Bon voyage.
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Child emotional/psychological abuse
Depression
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Generalized pain
Conversion Disorder
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