Babaluke

157d

Had a bout of suicidal ideation after my aunt died a week ago. She went peacefully and was in home hospice and I'm just jealous that she is at peace and has no worries of this world anymore and I want to feel that peace that she has now that she doesn't have to deal with the world's BS anymore. My cousin talked me down and got me out of that obsession with death intrusive thought pattern but I just wish I wasn't like this and didn't have these random bouts of SI. Like it's not worth checking myself in somewhere because every time I do have bouts of SI I talk them out and have a good cry and am fine like 30 mins later and don't actually want to do it besides that I have a cat and no one to watch her and pride myself on the fact that I haven't checked myself in anywhere in a good 4 years now but like I wanna feel normal again. idk. this was just a vent. thanks..

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Depression

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Bipolar Disorder

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  • RogueDream

    156d

    I completely understand I have all you do too but just also schizophrenia on top of it. I would recommend taking it one day at a time and do your best, it’s all you can do because otherwise you will just overwhelm yourself with daily life. Also about being concerned if you should go inpatient I get it, I’ve been inpatient like a dozen times since I was 18 and I’m almost 29 now so I understand how horrible that experience can be but sometimes it’s needed to get us sorted out and on track that we need to be, I would recommend getting evaluated with a psychiatrist and see what they say but if you don’t feel suicidal anymore I don’t think they would admit you, usually it’s if you are a danger to you or others is when they do it or if your really delusional. I know this is so hard for you and I understand because I feel it too but don’t let go, you have so much life to live but I understand the feelings if jealousy over them being at peace, my schizophrenia is so bad with hallucinations and voices that I just want some kind peace of mind but I just find things to occupy my mind that are productive and do that constantly or I get overwhelmed and upset then I can have a meltdown. I hope you’re doing okay and feel better soon or get some relief, also maybe a medication can help you feel better if you see a provider. They are there to help and my meds help me.

    • Babaluke

      155d

      thank you. I also have schizophrenia but I had already tagged so many of my disorders that it wouldn't let me tag that one as well. As for feeling suicidal it comes and goes and it usually happens when I am alone. Like I don't think about it as much when I'm with friends but when I'm alone is when things get scary. I just don't wanna go in and have them decide to keep me permanently ya know? Like that's my worst fear is if they decide, "well he's been here so many times maybe he's better off here," then ship me to a state run facility where insurance isn't an issue and just leave me there when I just wanted help. Idk. I just know I need help and I'm just not sure how much longer I can take only seeing a therapist once a month for such big issues. I've told her I need to see her more but based off how I act in our monthly visits she doesn't believe me and thinks I'm fine. It's masking and I'm good at putting up a front

      • RogueDream

        155d

        it sounds like you need to be upfront and honest to get the help you need otherwise you will just keep suffering and not get the help you need. They only keep people permanently if they are incompetent or very very serious cases. I’ve been inpatient like a dozen times and max I was there the longest was a month.

      • Rainyblue673

        152d

        I know exactly what your going through my sister passed in my home imarch of this year .my parents and her husband made me make all decisions about her burial. I found out alot of stuff that is weird in my family like I'm the baby of the family but my parents carried life insurance on my sister and older brother but there's no policy for me. Weird. The day we had her service both of mt parents said they had nothing else to live for. That has triggered my bpd of feeling completely alone in this world finding her gone in my home and ems on the phone instructing me in cpr on a cold body. My ptsd has been triggered I feel alone in this mess am hallucinating and symptomatic but cause I can intellectual understand my issues and speak calmly people think I'm ok. Really I just want to be at peace with my sis I was the one they wanted gone

  • Rainyblue673

    152d

    😥😥

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