Feeling Alone and Unworthy of Love

Something_Strange · 2023-03-09T03:39:11Z

[TW: sh thoughts] I feel like hurting myself... I've been very isolated these past few months and I feel super alone and like my friends are tired of me ... I have no evidence of that last part I just miss them alot and haven't gotten to talk to them in awhile .. I have a crush on one of my friends who I don't know if they would ever like me.. I'm (19 F trans demiboy) and they're (20 M gender fluid) they said they might be demiaromantic so I'm just not sure how to go about the feelings I have for them.. like would they ever like me or is there no chance here .. i don't want to make them uncomfortable either ... so I haven't said anything.. and with my mental health..I don't wanna drag them down.. I just feel unworthy of love and that I should just say fuck it and fucking hurt myself.. I haven't ever done anything major.. never really drew much blood only small scratches in the distant past but I still get the urge to do it again every now and then but I haven't done it since at least sophomore year of highschool.. but ye. my cat is laying on me rn so that's keeping me safe and sane .. but uh that was my vent..

*just rawdogging this and gonna rant so it might be a bit long lmao* i just wanna feel better already. i used to be really loud, talkative, and funny but now i barely talk to anyone about anything anymore. this semester has been fucking brutal man. sorry this is gonna sound kinda stupid but i feel like i’ve been slowly dying inside for months and i’m now truly realizing how much i changed since the beginning of this year. here’s the thing that started it??? i stopped taking my meds for like 1.5 months in late february/early march and i started feeling this emotional distance from my friends. i convinced myself that they like each other a lot more than they liked me so i started slowly distancing myself. once i got back on the meds, the feeling still lingered. i still felt such strong emotional distance for some reason. i also started dating my bf around this time so i was stable-ish. i went back home for summer break so i couldn’t see my bf and friends in person for a while. my bf and i had a bit of a hard time adjusting to long distance and we ended up having our first argument a few days after i left. i ended up relapsing which really sucked cause i hadn’t sh in almost a year at that point. june is a hard ass month for me cause i was r@ped two years ago (june 2020) and my ptsd symptoms are at its worst during it. i had flashbacks several times a week, nightmares almost every night, and constant panic attacks so yeah not great. july (except the week my bf flew to visit cause that was the best week of the summer) and the beginning of august are blurs tbh. i was a dumb fuck and decided to start abusing my xanax prescription. i only had them for panic attacks but i for some reason thought that taking 6+ and drinking alone in my room till i passed out several nights a week was a good idea. so now i don’t really remember much. anyway i got wisdom teeth surgery in august and idk what the fuck happened but my mental health took a NOSEDIVE after the procedure. and when i mean nosedive, im serious cause i haven’t felt better since then. i’ve been smoking weed for a few years now but i never wanted my own pen because i knew i wouldn’t be able to stop. butttt i decided to get a few carts and a battery and just like i thought, i started hitting that shit constantly. ngl over the entire summer, i didn’t really text my college friends that much because the emotional distance feeling was getting much stronger. i should’ve kept texting them, i do feel really bad about it. anyway i was praying that going back to college for my sophomore year would make me happier but uhh that didn’t happen LMAO. i got back and i started feeling more and more miserable. at this point i felt like such an outcast in my friend group and i was convinced that 99% of people in my life do not actually like me or my presence. i started isolating more and more and more and i kept smoking more and more and more. in the beginning of the year, weed started making me feel really fucking anxious. i thought it was just sativa but uhhh nope. i was paranoid that no one liked me, that everyone thinks im weird or annoying, etc. at around late august-late september i was hitting my pen like 24/7, smoking joints daily, whatever. but im ngl i think i developed some sort of short-term drug induced psychosis because of it. i noticed over a span of 2 weeks that more of my stuff was going missing. i became CONVINCED it was my roommate and i started keeping a list. i then saw something disappear in thin air while i was high which freaked me the fuck out. i started hallucinating other things, like a pattern of small black dots moving in a rectangular formation (??) all over my floor. eventually, i got my pen confiscated at a club, which forced me to stop smoking as much. i started finding the missing stuff afterwards, which is funny cause i fr was so paranoid and convinced myself that my roommate was stealing my shit. my roommate dropped out and moved out so i was able to live in a single dorm which was pretty sick. up until this semester, i’ve always been a good student. i never really skipped, never missed an assignment, actually took notes on textbooks and during lectures, etc. i always had straight a’s. but idk i was never able to get into the school mindset this semester. tbh i have no energy to do anything anymore. i really mean that shit fr. my room is a mess, i have so many late assignments. i skipped over half of my lectures. i haven’t taken any notes. i’m literally FAILING A FUCKING CLASS?? that’s never happened to me before but is it bad that i don’t give a shit?? i mean like i don’t even have enough energy to care. my final paper for one of my classes was due sunday and i’m not even done with it yet. i’m so fucking over everything. anyway back to the shit show that isn’t school related. i hate myself a lot. i hate looking in the mirror cause i literally can’t take care of myself. i’m not close with anyone anymore (except my bf). and i fr mean that shit. i just isolate myself now and yeah i’ll still hang out with people but what happened to extroverted and happy me?? i used to hang out with friends and other people everyday a year ago and now i just want to be alone 24/7. i have social anxiety now??? i never had that shit in the beginning of the year. i HATE talking to people, especially one-on-one. i don’t talk to anyone about my problems. yeah i’ll tell my bf like 60% but i don’t like bothering people. i don’t wanna be annoying because i constantly need reassurance from everyone. i always think people hate me. i can’t convince myself that people actually like me as a person and like being around me. no matter how many times someone reassures me, i still think the same. that’s why i just don’t bother. i shut out 99% of people in my life and i don’t know how to open back up. i’ve had so many convos with people about this but i just can’t seem to do it. i don’t know how to let people back in. i don’t know how to accept help. i don’t know how to open up to people at all. back to present day. i got a new battery a few days ago because i have no self control and as expected, im like high 24/7 now. i hate being sober. yeah sure, weed also makes me miserable because of how anxious i get but at least i’m fucked up lmao. i’m too depressed to take care of myself physically a lot of the time. it takes so much energy to even get out of bed. there’s no way i’m getting any A’s this semester. i just moped around all semester and now my dream of getting into a program at my college is gonna be ruined because of it LMAO. really funny stuff ig. i haven’t felt happy in so long tho. i just wanna feel happy again. i’m really hoping that going back home for winter break will do something. anyway uh it’s 3am i have to wake up at 8 for class UGHHH but yeah if anyone actually read this you’re a g. i wrote so much holy shit lmaooo