Feeling Left Behind in Relationships

So right now I have put almost all my energy into my relationship and I feel I have lost all my friends because of it. The great thing about friendships though is most of the time you can rekindle these relationships and it will feel like no time has passed. I have failed though at keeping my social life going. Through out my life I have had many close friends and very active social lives many times over in several different communities and then I have also had many different periods where I felt super socially awkward and felt very alone and very isolated. It’s crazy going from very popular to socially awkward, shy, low confidence then back and forth between the two. I know if I ever decide to start up a Social life I can do it with whom ever I want. And I know that I will be very strange, awkward, and uncomfortable for awhile until I get my confidence back. That feeling you have about being an extra person with no meaning sounds a lot like depression talking for you. It’s hard to find joy in life during a depressive episode. I have battled depression my whole life. Sometimes I feel like nothing matters and there is no joy in life and there is no reason to do anything. This is a tough spot to be in. It is also temporary. I have gone years like that but because I never tried to change up my life. I have been on and off depression meds my whole life as well. Medications help and sometimes they need to be switched because they might stop working. Always important to seek care. Diet, exercise, the people you spend time with will have a massive impact on your mental health as well. Most of the time when I am unmedicated I could care less about other people and do not enjoy spending time with others. During depressive episodes I feel there is nothing I can do to change how I feel. I remember the moment when I started taking a medication and it finally started working and then miraculously I enjoyed spending time with others and enjoyed interacting with strangers even. Complete night and day transformation. Right now I am off anti-depressants because of my anxiety and long covid situation. I miss caring and enjoying life as much as I used too. But I still have the ability to enjoy others and can sometimes find joy in the things I do. So for now I am getting by. It’s important to have a social life. And just keep in mind you can pick who you want to be your friends for the most part. You just have to talk to them and ask them how their day is going. Find common interests then explore those interests with them. Pretty simple formula. Most people are pretty easy. People can be very complex and interesting to me. The world is truly yours. When I was in high school I learned I could sit at any table I wanted. So I just started sitting with the popular kids. No one ever said anything to me. So they became people I talked to and became my friends. You have to act like you belong and because people don’t know if you do or not they just accept you. I used to go to a lot of film festivals. I would make sure I would get a VIP pass or a Filmmaker pass and then just crash peoples groups and events. I was very awkward till I just no longer felt awkward. I would talk about my friends if I didn’t want to talk about myself. But people always want to talk about themselves. The more people tell you about themselves the more they like you. People are very self involved to worry about what you have going on. I guess the important part is enjoying just being you and enjoying what you have going on and others will follow, your confidence will shine, and then you could care less if people want to spend time with you or not because there is always more people to spend time with.