I deleted this app for a minute, then realized it's the closest thing to a support group I have and I need it. I don't like opening up to people in my life because I don't want to hurt them, I don't want to inconvenience them, and I like to maintain a certain perception. Today, I picked up a knife and just stared at it. I imagined what it would be like to cut myself with it. I have never been one to outright self-harm. I have done it in other ways, like eating disorders, skin picking, and driving my nails into my skin. The rule follower in me has always protected the part of me that wants to inflict harm on myself. But, here in the last year or so, suicide ideation and self harm ideation has gone up. And it's scary and it makes me cry and feel hopeless. Like there's never going to be an end to all the things that run through my head.
Bipolar 2 disorder
I completely understand how you're feeling. I just downloaded the app in hopes of it acting as a support network. I've never cut but boy have I thought about it. I dig my nails into my skin a lot when the sensations in my wrists start and whenever I get close to cutting I bawl my eyes out. It's terrifying to me.
Oof I'm so sorry you've been experiencing those thoughts. They are absolutely terrifying. As one who experiences them, my therapist said something great to me when I brought them up. She told me that the thought pops into my head as a way to deal with the pain; it's not that i want to do it, moreso that I'm acknowledging that i /could/. I'm not sure if that applies to you or not but i understand how absolutely terrifying it is.
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