Struggling with Bulimia Again: My Story

I don't know how to start. I have bulimia and I had overcome it a year ago. this is the first time it has come back to haunt me. I have gotten so good at hiding it that I can leave after eating and throw up my entire meal in less that 5 minutes without making one gag or cough sound. And i just go back to what I was doing and sometimes even forget about it untill i remember later. I sometimes leave the last bit of food or drink as a "reward" for myself to come back to. it's sick. makes me sick and I hate thinking about my weight every time I eat. I lost 60 pounds in the past due to this disorder. It feels like nothing will ever be enough for me to be happy with my body. like every time I feel good in my stomach I start to hate on myself. I made plans with a friend to start going to the gym and meal prep my foods and am thinking about setting regular eating times. I'm thinking about all the ways I can help with this. I just have to start. It's just so hard to live with myself sometimes.