I’m starting DBT therapy soon and I’m doubting I have this disorder a lot . I’m not sure I’ve been obsessively googling it and comparing symptoms.
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)
When I first got my diagnosis I fought against it so hard I wouldn't let it go on record for two years. I was just hugely in denial about my patterns and refused to acknowledge and validate my feelings. Now I've come to realize it's extremely accurate, although I don't outwardly display it like many do.
I don’t really have it outwards too only sometimes
that is absolutely valid. I would just reccomend examining your reactions to anything to do with abandonment, criticism, feeling left out, betrayal, feelings of loneliness and numbness, and other such things for a little while to see if you may just be so used to your pain you can't recognize it, or if you've just gained so much control over your enviroment you can manage those feelings currently. You can also examine feelings of self worth as that is an integral part of bpd and why we are the way we are. Feel free to do me if you want to chat!
it is interesting that you fought to keep it off your diagnosis list. I have always felt that something was severely wrong with me. I always felt like an outsider even as a kid. I was just diagnosed with this after pushing to find an answer. This is the closest answer that I have been able to find.
I wasn't able to face my negative traits. I was able to pass as normal by internalizing all my symptoms and didn't want to lose that.
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