anditwon

85d

How do I find the balance between honoring my own need for space away from my mom vs not making her feel rejected because of it? (Note: I live with my mom and ideally I'd be living alone but I'm currently stuck in this living situation, and I have to make do with the present situation. Please no suggestions on moving out; I'm wanting to know how to actually mend my relationship with her.) Backstory: for nearly my whole life my mom has unintentionally invalidated my pain constantly, (hot take, but people can absolutely gaslight without intending to; I've also been guilty of this) as a way to hopefully "make life easier for me" by trying to get me to learn how to conform and endure abuse (she has major issues with this herself, and I think because of her trauma, she has become someone who endures abuse because in her mind it lessens the conflict). Basically, I rebelled against her trying to teach me this submissive mindset my whole life, and my own traumas have manifested in major anger issues and being unable to tolerate anything that oversteps my boundaries (VERY opposite from her). Also, something to note is that this is the main abuse I've experienced from her, the abuse of not being protected or validated by her when others (like my dad/her husband and my peers) would abuse me; she instead would respond with the mentality "you must forgive and move on". She herself has never "actively" abused me, only passively (what I mean by this is that she has NEVER wanted to truly hurt me, like my other abusers; she has NEVER *wanted* to harm me). She hasn't been diagnosed, but I definitely think she has Dependent Personality Disorder, or at least major tendencies, and the constant struggle has been getting her to see how her pushing this mindset of "you must endure pain from others to make it this world, to fit in" has only caused over a decade long rift between me and her. She WANTS to stop triggering me with her careless words of toxic positivity, but she truly doesn't know how, no matter how much I tell her all about my triggers and how she triggers me, because that's how SHE navigates the world. She and I have developed opposite trauma responses: she too carelessly views the world through optimism, while I very bitterly navigate the world through pessimism. I think the best solution for us would be to have some space, because I am utterly exhausted trying to desperately get her to understand me, while she feels stifled feeling as though she needs to filter and discipline her words around me. How do we find the balance that will leave both of us feeling okay? I KNOW that in her dependent tendencies she ultimately wants to feel wanted and appreciated by me, and I feel immense guilt knowing she feels rejected when I need my space because of how much she triggers me constantly. She also is willing to give me space, and has been trying really hard to stop herself from being clingy, but I KNOW that hurts her. I don't want her to feel rejected, but I also MUST honor my own boundaries. She and I also can't just keep avoiding each other within the same house. I also don't WANT to avoid her forever while living with her; I want it to get better with her. But how do we overcome this major incompatibility? If anyone relates, please share your thoughts 💙 If anyone reading made it this far with my word vomit, thank you for even simply taking the time to listen.

Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

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  • Nemma

    85d

    Hey there! What I would do is, make a schedule, make a certain time of any few days to spend limited time together, i.e. dinner, a movie, something manageable timewise so that you don't feel overwhelmed. The more of a structure you set for yourself and show her, and say, " I'm sorry, but I have this at this time, and this then. Maybe we could talk at our dinner or movie or nail date. Don't exclude her completely, but making that special time set aside and she knows that her time to interact with you, she will value it way more. Let her know you love her, but you also need time for yourself and the things going on in yours.

    • anditwon

      85d

      this was super helpful, thank you so much for this advice 😯. Structure would DEFINITELY help more with these issues. My chaotic mind wouldn't easily have come up with this, so thank you so much ☺️🙏

      • Nemma

        85d

        you are very much welcome. I have had to do the same thing. Actually worked out pretty great

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