Afraid to Recover: The Comfort in Suffering

I want to recover more than anything and I hate being how I am, but also in a way I feel like it gives me an explanation on why I'm such a failure and I feel less at fault. If I recovered I would just feel more like a loser and look back on my life with more pain and regret. I hope that makes sense.

i’ve been progressing in my recovery for a while now and i can say with confidence that im 1000% better than i was a year ago. it’s scary and terrifying and i still sometimes wish i was still struggling for 2 reasons. first, i feel like after suffering mentally for so many years, illness has become apart of my identity. i feel like im sick and that’s who i am and what i always will be. i feel comfortable in that headspace. second, when i start to get better i begin thinking that i was never sick in the first place. that i was lying about my mental health the whole time and that was illness wasn’t real. i want to feel bad again in order to validate myself. the two reasons contradict each other lol. it’s hard because i frequently bury myself in the hole i tried so desperately to get out of due to these thoughts. it’s taken me a lot of therapy to get through that mentality and i’m still not even close to changing that mindset. anyways, yeah i totally get what you mean.

(Hit send too early, woops) it felt weird because I did not have the urge to release any built up pressure anymore. however, sometimes I forgot to take my meds, or I have an off day where my tics are pretty bad, and honestly, it’s a little refreshing to just tic and let it all out. It’s not like I had been suppressing any tics, but my meds mellowed them out so much they were virtually nonexistent. It basically just feel like a good stim session. At this point, I couldn’t imagine living without Tourette’s. Sure it sucks and has its moments, but I’m at a comfortable place with it in my life currently!

as for my Tourette’s, it is considered severe. however, I have found the right combination of meds that have significantly lessened my symptoms and tics revolving around TS. I have severe vocal and motor tics as one would imagine, so when I got to a point where I would only tic a few times a day, very minimally, it felt weird

in some ways, i really want to be able to do things like walk around, stand up for a while, exercise, etc without feeling super dizzy and getting really high heart rates and stuff and im grateful for the medication im on and they ways it helps me. however, im also scared to recover, i just cant really explain why. it almost feels like losing a part of myself

As for my physical issues, I would do practically anything to feel better😅

At the lowest period in my life I would’ve completely agreed with this. I was so scared of getting help. The process of healing and getting better was extremely difficult and exhausting and scary which made me wish I never got help in the first place. But now I’m truly in a better place mentally and I am so grateful and proud that my past self didn’t give up

I used to relate heavily with this. Even though it’s painful and difficult, remaining in what you’re used to can feel comforting, but it does more harm than good. The reason why a lot of us struggle with stepping out of our comfort zones is because we don’t know what is on the path to recovery. The unknown can be frightening. I recently began making heavy progress on my dissociative issues. There’s a lot that’s been going on and I’ve been experiencing many new things. It can get overwhelming at times. However I soothe these anxieties by reminding myself that, while it may be difficult and even scary, it’s progress, and this progress is necessary for my recovery. You deserve healing and happiness. Though remember that healing takes time and effort. It may be uncomfortable, but it’s worth it in the end. I believe in you and your strength. You’re capable of much more than you think. Stay strong <3

for my mental illness i agree but i’d do anything to not be physical disabled lol. but that’s coming from a person with some admitted internalize abelism

I know my limits, I know my triggers, I know my routine. What happens if suddenly that’s not it anymore and I get used to a new happy normal, and something happens again. I haven’t heard it phrased safety in suffering but you’re entirely correct and I’m glad someone found a way to say it!