Struggling with Gender Dysphoria and Trauma

I’m not sure if you’re looking for connection or advice so I’m going to drop both and you can take what you want and throw out what doesn’t fit for you. First of all, definitely validate feeling confused, as identity and attraction can be so hard to navigate and separate to get clarity as well as wants and needs. I can relate to those struggles and sorry your feeling lost in them. I have some questions to try to get a better understanding of what you’re saying. Only if you’re open to it, if not you can disregard and know I can in some ways relate to this being a woman and liking expressing my masculine energy while also being attracted to men. I have a long history and done a lot of processing with this I can share if you think it’s help- just let me know. Questions- What are you attracted to about assertiveness and masculine? Did someone in you life role model this for you or were you wishing someone would growing up? Typically assertiveness hits on vulnerability, win-win goals, teamwork, connection, courage, self-control, trust, and boundaries… do you have any strong thoughts or emotions about any of those? Typically masculine hits on protection, provision, leadership… do you have any strong thoughts or emotions about any of those? How do you see yourself now vs how do you think you are perceived by others? And do either of those create a feeling of rejection (whether from yourself or others), superiority or inferiority (no judgement meant by that just having trouble of thinking of a better way to say that), vulnerable or safe and protected? Do you remember feeling this way as a kid? Or how did you feel as a kid in regards to this?