Feeling Lost in My Relationship

Just kinda a vent that I need to get out. I could really use support and/or help/advice or something. I worry that I’m repeating the cycle..idk that I’m happy in the relationship I’m in. Hell I didn’t even really mean to confess I was just going through it when I did. I knew I’m not mentally okay..why did I get him attached to me? Something is always wrong. He’s precious to me and he’s been through enough. I can’t be the next thing that hurts him. I don’t even know if I’m happy. I don’t know what I want. I’m kinda lost and I don’t know how to express this to anyone. I wanna talk to friends but I always say the wrong words. I’ve been like this for awhile and genuinely just need someone to pull me out but in the end ik I can only do that myself. I want sone people to be there but Idk how yo tell them what’s wrong. Or if they even wanna hear so I stay quiet. They all have their own issues I need to be there. Yet I’m falling apart everyone knows it but I don’t know if they know to the extent then again no one will truly know you besides you. I guess this could be a want for help in a way yet I coward in fear. I have so many people I feel I don’t deserve. Hell I can’t even let myself fully get close in fear I’ll lose it all with one wrong mistake. I’ve done it several times before. But that’s just life right? I’m 18..I’ve had nothing until now I’m scared..I want someone to help me yet I have no guidance figure and I’m scared..If anyone is willing to talk I’d love that if not that’s okay too. I just really needed to get this out. It may change i may regret it later cause that’s how I am I feel something and dig it down repress it..but this is my push to share my emotions and show hey I’m not okay..if you read this thank you. Also if your my friend that has me on here..HIIIII XD umm isk what to say lol